christmas 2008

's wonderful! 's marvelous! That's how my Christmas was, and I hope yours was the same. What was wonderful about my Christmas? It was wonderfully traditional, and although we missed mom, we still managed to enjoy the season. The entire time, though, I couldn't help but wonder how different it will be next year with a nine-month old crawling around (and a hopefully well-trained, one-year-old rottweiler and a fifteen-year-old cat).

Our Christmas season started off with the annual Christmas party hosted by Jen and Bob, followed by Christmas Eve appetizers and dinner (this year at Ryan and Rachel's), opening presents with Al Christmas morning, Christmas dinner with Al's family at his brother's house, and ended with Holiday Nights at Greenfield Village last night (I've only done this once before, so technically it's not "traditional"). In between all of those were extra visits with Al's brother, sister-in-law, and nephew in from New York and an impromptu "baby shower lunch" thrown by my female in-laws since Kim won't be able to make it for the real thing. Oh, and a really bad cold and body temperatures ranging from 96.3 to 96.8 that made me feel a little weak and freaked, but didn't interfere too much with the festivities.

The festivities were/are so much, in fact, that even though I've been wanting to go to the movies since October, we still haven't had the time to go. So in the next three days that Al still has off, I'm hoping we can sneak it in. It will have to come sometime in between my physical therapy, the annual New Year's party at Del and Nicole's, and a football gathering at Log and Jen's on Thursday (which honestly I'm not too thrilled about, just because I'm not a football fan and we'll just have finished "partying" twelve hours before the gathering...maybe I'll just send Al and take another nap, which I've been doing frequently these days). Right now, I'm supposed to be straightening things up around the house and Al is working on emptying the baby's room, formerly his computer/television/guitar/poster room, in preparation for the painting I'll start late this week or early next week. And that's all of our news. Deliciously mundane, and although it's the holidays, "normal." After this week, my actual "normal" reality will start, and I can't wait. It'll change soon (sometime on, before, or after March 12), but it'll just be a new kind of normal. And the thought of that makes me happy.

hold the calls

I admit it. I used to make them. I used to take them. But that was when I was younger, single, non-pregnant, and tended to go out and stay out late. Now I just hate them. What am I writing about? Late night phone calls.

In my book, there are only four acceptable reasons for a late night phone call (and I'm talking any time after 9 p.m.) from a non-relative:

1. It's an emergency. Someone is dying, has died, or possibly could die (as in, I'm so drunk I can't drive and I'm doing the smart thing hoping for a ride) and you need to talk to me. These types of calls should be rarer than Christmas.
   
2. I'm expecting you to call and we've arranged it ahead of time, or I'm expecting you to call since it's incredibly good news. If you had your baby in the middle of the night and know I'd be upset if you didn't call me, then please, pick up the phone!
   
3. You're expecting me to come out and I haven't arrived yet. This would actually apply to my husband more than me since he plays late night hockey games and I tend to stay in. While acceptable, these calls tend to annoy me if they turn into five or six phone calls that eat away at the very limited time I spend with my husband, so keeping it down to one call is advised.
   
4. It's a work emergency. This, too, would apply to my husband rather than me. He works at a plant and sometimes the night guys just need to know something that went on during the day or need advice on a job. This type of call is rare, so understandable.

So to my husband's almost forty-year-old friend who just doesn't get it (and doesn't read this blog, so it won't do a bit of good), get a clue: calling at 10:30 at night and having to have, "Were you sleeping?" be the first words out of your mouth is none other than rude, rude, rude. Al won't tell him that, of course. One of these days I'll just have to answer one of his late night calls and tell him that Al can't speak to him because it's a household rule that we don't take phone calls after 9:00. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a once a year thing, if he lived in a different time zone, etc. But this Peter Pan hasn't quite grown up yet and makes late night calls more often than I'd like. It especially bothers me when Al's worked a twelve-hour day and I've seen him for all of an hour before he gets a call, because Al's too polite to cut off the conversation and lets it go on for twenty to thirty minutes. Argh...

Now that my rant is over, thanks for letting me vent if you've stuck with me. I hate to complain online; Al thinks I complain too much as it is. Of course, half of what he thinks are complaints are not "complaints" in my mind (ah, the joys of miscommunication), but this definitely was one. Off to cooking dinner...

sarah

Sarah died today. You may remember reading about her in my previous blog. She was 34, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a little over a month ago, and ultimately died (I think) of liver failure. She had three young children and a husband as well as a close extended family. Please pray for their comfort, especially with her death coming so close to Christmas.

yes, i'm a quilter

People seem surprised when they find out that I have a few domestic abilities. Like when I was getting married and registered for a pastry cutter. Most of my friends didn't know what it was and seemed impressed that I make my own biscuits and pie crusts (or even that I bake from scratch at all). Well, prepare to be even more impressed. Instead of registering for a generic, themed baby's crib set like a million, gazillion other people have, I decided to make my baby's quilt. I'm done at long last (it was interrupted by things like my soon-to-be nephew's quilt, my mom's death, etc.) and decided to post a few pictures of it (the front is pictured first, then the back). This should help those of you who keep asking what the baby's room is going to be like, because I'll also describe my non-conventional ideas for a gorgeous, gender-neutral kid's room.

Our kid's room will have either a dark or rosewood-colored hardwood floor, espresso wood furniture, and light grey walls (and despite what my sister-in-law says, the grey walls will not make the kid feel like it's growing up in a prison cell). I'll use three colors as the main accents in the room: charcoal grey (see the teddy bear that inspired it all), a deep red (see the reds in the quilt), and tans. We're installing a ceiling fan/overhead light this week (yea!) and the blades look like wood (interchangeable between mahogany and rosewood) and (ideally) will echo the floor. We've registered for a few crib sheets and a bumper, and I'll make another bumper to match the quilt and we'll probably register for a couple of blankets that match. (For those of you that are wondering, we did start the registry today [Babies R Us] and will finish it off this week. The shower is January 17 and invites will go out soon. Everyone keeps asking, so I thought I'd throw it in there.)

As for my health? I'm feeling mostly good and doing my best to eat well. I'm sleeping slightly better most nights, thanks to physical therapy, but my carpal tunnel is getting worse, especially in my right hand and wrist. I see the doc on Wednesday and will talk to her about that. I don't (and never have had) have a lot of energy, so I'm not very active. Baby doesn't seem to move a whole lot, but when it does it likes to kick (never in my ribs, which makes some people predict that it'll be a boy). Al's been able to feel the baby kicking a few times now. He's "excited," if that's ever a word you can use in reference to Al. Also anxious, mostly about Mya because she's been a little, shall we say, rambunctious lately. She's not getting over the jumping/biting think very quickly and he's never successfully trained a dog (I have) and he's getting worried about having her around the kid. I'm not; we'll get her into training soon and she'll mellow out eventually. Both of us have bad coughs and are hoping to get over them soon. And that's about it for now!

Another post soon...I hope...

life, a week later

Mom passed away a little over a week ago, and--strangely enough, from my perspective--the entire thing seems a bit surreal. The diagnosis, the drawn-out, bedridden battle with cancer, her last breath. The visitation. The funeral that we had to push back an hour to avoid the Santa Parade passing in front of the funeral home. Watching them lower her casket into the vault, but not waiting the fifteen to twenty minutes it would take for them to lower the vault into the ground and start covering it with dirt.

My mom's body was in there. It's just surreal.

I thought I'd be more prepared for the reality of mom's death when it happened since this has been a drawn-out process and not a sudden thing. And honestly, I haven't been as emotional (teary) as I probably would have been otherwise, especially considering the amount of hormones raging through my 26-week-old pregnant body. For the last several weeks, I even had a Spongebob mantra running through my head ("I'm ready! I'm ready!") because I hated to see mom being forced to lie in bed and let her body waste away. But it's just starting to hit me that I'll never be able to call mommy again when I'm sick (I'm a big baby and like her to take care of me, even if it's just bringing over soup) or call her and ask her child-rearing advice (luckily, she gave a lot to Al in those last few weeks--at his request, of course) or even tell her about my day or what the kid has been doing. It's just starting to hit me how much I'll miss her.

I've also had some odd thoughts about the after-life running through my head. Now, I know not all of my readers believe in an afterlife or are Christians, as I am, so if you want to stop reading or think all of this is hogwash, I'll understand. But lately I've been thinking about my brother's beliefs versus general Christian beliefs--is there a "resting" period for souls after life and before heaven, or do souls go straight to heaven? If straight there, what was mom going through? Was she a bit afraid because she was entering this new situation alone? Did she have a private "meet-and-greet" with God, or were her parents and other people she knew waiting to greet her? Is she happy? (Stupid question for a Christian, I know, but I can't help but wonder.) And--for me, this is the scariest question I have--does she remember? Does she remember us? Me? That I'm pregnant? That I'll be having a baby in March? Will she know when I have it and what it will be? Does she already know? I want my mom to remember and know, and I'm so afraid that she doesn't and won't because life here on earth is so imperfect and full of sin. How could people in heaven get away with knowing how life is (or was) here on earth without it tainting heaven a little?

Anyway. Enough of my questions and tears. Life is slowly returning back to normal (or finally becoming normal) for me and my husband; I'm living at home, he's back to work, so am I, and we'll (hopefully) get the Christmas decorations and cards up and out this weekend. We'll get the puppy into training, prepare the house for the kid, maybe even attend a birthing class (and it might be too late to get into one that would fit his schedule). Someday, this will all start to seem real. But not quite yet.

a short blip

I listen to NPR all the time and one of my favorite shows is talk of the nation. Today, Neil Conan did a bit on "Who is Not at the Thanksgiving Table" this year. He read an email I sent in about mom. You can listen to it here. It's about 11 minutes into the program.

a few sparse details

I promised I'd post details on mom's visitation/funeral when I had them, but in the interest of keeping some privacy, I'll just say the visitation will be from 2-8 on Friday and the funeral will be at 11:00 on Saturday. If you'd like to know where, just call or email.

gone

Mom passed away at 8:30 tonight. I'll post details when we have them.

why is there cancer?

This morning, mom was lying in bed flat on her back and said she wanted to get up. I started raising her head and she grabbed the control from me and sat up as straight as she could, but kept holding down the button even after the head of her bed was up all the way. I took it back and put the bed back down to her regular position, telling her, "This is how you usually sit, mom. You'll probably be more comfortable like this."

She looked at me and said, "I want to get out of bed."

Immediately, I thought of a dream I had a few months ago. Mom was in the living room sitting in her blue glider and she was fine. Ryan had the same dream a few weeks after I did. Back when I had it, I had mentioned it to mom and she told me that it wouldn't happen because the cancer had eaten away so much of her spine that she didn't think it was possible for her to sit up in a chair anymore. When mom said that to me this morning, I told her, "I don't think you could, mom. You haven't been out of bed in months."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because of the cancer, mom. Remember? It's eating away at your spine and your muscles are weak since you've been laying in bed for so long. I don't think you could walk." Then I asked her if she wanted me to clean out her mouth again and she said yes. She's been doing this chewing motion almost constantly now, and I think she's chewing on her tongue. Yesterday, she kept telling us, "Get it out of my mouth!" but there wasn't anything in her mouth. I thought maybe it was a bad taste and using a swab with mouthwash would help. When I came back in with the swab, I tried to clean out her mouth but she wouldn't let me.

Instead, she looked at me and, waving her hands in the air toward me as if she were trying to hold onto me, asked, "Why is there cancer? Why do I have to have cancer?"

I've been holding it together pretty good these past few months, but I couldn't help it then. I held her hand as the tears started rolling down my cheeks and said, "I don't know, mom. You'll have to ask God that."

I don't know why there is cancer. I don't know why it's my mom that's dying of cancer, especially in a long, drawn-out battle like this. I had to leave the room because I had to tell dad; I lost it and sobbed. Dad came back in before me and was talking to mom and I heard her say, "I don't know why I love you. I don't know why you love me. I don't know why God loves me anymore." It's hard to see her not remembering, not knowing, but having to go through the reasoning again that something's wrong with me, I have cancer and I can't get up and not really knowing what's going on. When I sat back down and asked if there was anything I could do for her, mom reached out her hand, put it on my cheek, and motioned with her other arm to come closer.

"You want a hug?" I asked. "I can do that." And I leaned over my mom's bed and hugged her. When I stood up, she motioned that she wanted me to come back closer and she hugged me to her again, keeping me close for a minute or two. It was probably the last hug I'll ever have from my mom, and it was the one I'll remember the rest of my own life.

can i have my perfect family back, please?

I used to think my family was perfect. Ah, how naive I was.

Now, you need to understand something. When I speak of "family," I don't mean just my mom, dad, brothers, and sister (and now sisters-in-law and niece). I don't just mean my husband and baby on the way. I mean my mother's entire family (and we're rather large). We've always been close (and no offense to my dady's family, but we're just--not). As I said, I used to think my family was perfect simply because we all love each other fiercely. Sometimes, though, that "fiercely" is the bad part. And these past few months have been a struggle in more ways than one.

Our clan is extremely emotional and extremely outspoken (I erased the word "very" here because it just isn't enough--that should tell you something). And opinionated. Extremely, extremely opinionated. Add that mix to a long, drawn-out dying process of a mother/grandmother/sister/aunt and you've got trouble from some members of the family.

I won't name names or go into too many specifics, but the trouble mostly takes on a form of judgement from some on the subject of "spending time with your dying (mother, sister, etc.)" vs. having a life. (Don't worry, none of this judgement has fallen on me--at least, not much of it that I know of, although apparently I wasn't supposed to spend an afternoon at the renaissance festival.) According to some, it's either one or the other--no happy medium--and everyone must sacrifice every part of his/her life that isn't absolutely necessary (and even some that are) to be sitting by mom's side. (Honestly, if everyone did that, mom would probably have stopped talking a long time ago. That many people here all the time would have driven her crazy. Just limiting the visitors to relatives and her nanny family still leaves room for about sixty or so visitors.) If you're on the wrong side of that judgement, you hear about it after it's been eating away for a while at whomever's doing the judging. And it's usually an emotional, accusatory blow-out that has somehow heightened to the proportions of threatening to "tear this whole family apart." (Drama. Lots of it in our family. And--for those of you that know me--that has to mean something significant coming from me.)

Now, I'm not saying these things simply as gossip. Part of me is blowing off steam hoping I don't hurt anyone (many people involved never read this blog anyway), and part of me is doing it as yet another request for prayer. Because these judgements and accusations hurt people, and after going through some of it myself early on and then discussing it and thinking about it rationally (yes, I can do that, too) has led me to conclude that these judgements and accusations aren't justified. Maybe some of the initial emotions are justified--it would be a strong, strong person that didn't get a little wacko in a time like this--but holding onto them, nursing them, and letting them turn into something ugly and dark and then lashing out at others is not. So I'm asking for prayer that God will work in our hearts and convict those who are wrong (even if it's me), heal those who have been hurt, and then soften our hearts toward each other so that only love, compassion, and support are left. This is a huge prayer request--believe me--but it's important because the situation is wearing on even those who aren't directly involved, especially my dad. Even mom. We don't need this now.

Thanks for letting me vent. Til next time.

pregnant me (and mom, of course)

Well, Ruthann wanted it, so here it is: a picture of pregnant me. This pic was taken at Ella's birthday party on the 8th; I'm 24 weeks today, though. The week this pic was taken, my doctor told me that the baby wasn't even one pound yet. The picture doesn't do how big I am justice, because I'm really a little bigger than I look in it (and I'm pretty sure I've grown in the past eleven days). I already feel huge, so I can just imagine how big I'll be getting by the time I'm ready to deliver. I already waddle, for pete's sake! (I try really hard not to, though.)

I went to see a specialist today because I've been very uncomfortable at night, which makes it hard to sleep. For almost two months now, my right arm has been falling asleep at night, no matter which side I lay on (pregnant women aren't supposed to sleep on their backs, which is my normal sleeping position, because it cuts off oxygen to the baby). It's been getting worse as time wears on: it is actually painful for me to grip anything, especially in the mornings, and just yesterday while I was grading papers I realized that my fingers were tingling and my arm felt like it was getting numb as I was trying to write. Not normal, I realized, and not simply my arm falling asleep. I did a little preliminary web research and realized I probably have carpel tunnel, something that often flares up in pregnant women because our bodies are retaining more fluids, resulting on more pressure on the nerves. The doctor confirmed it, but said we caught it in time in my left arm to be able to reverse/prevent any damage, and in my right arm (she hopes) in time to prevent any actual muscle damage. She thinks my weakness is actually a result of the pain and not an indication of muscle damage. So she's got me wearing a splint at all times on my right arm and at nights on my left. Hopefully it will cut down on pain (already is a bit) and allow me to sleep better.

Old lady me has also had soreness in my hips, another problem keeping me from sleeping at night. They get very, very sore and I have to turn every hour or so. In the mornings I often feel like I've been climbing stairs all night. But there's actually a reason and a name for that, too: as my hips widen to get ready for baby (like I need my hips to be any wider, thank you), the muscles are stretching and fluid sacs are pressing against the muscles. It's called bursitis. But that, too, has a fairly easy fix: a few sessions of physical therapy (assuming I can get someone to cover mom so I can go, of course) and they should be able to teach me some exercises that will help me stretch those muscles and strengthen the surrounding muscles. Ah, relief! (I'm counting on it.) Maybe I will be able to sleep in the next four months. (I'm going on about about four or five hours of sleep from last night, although I tried to sleep for about ten.) So that's the update on the pregnant lady. I'm hoping pregnancy gets a little less uncomfortable and a little more fun as time wears on.

I've also got two quick updates on other news: mom slept heavily all day yesterday and even refused her pain pills at one point, and she's stopped talking to me and dad. Instead, she either just stares at us or nods or shakes her head. It had me pretty scared yesterday, but today I think it's mostly a choice she's making: she's been slightly more alert (meaning not hard to wake up) but does not seem interested in conversation. I know she can talk, because she's surprised me a couple times today by actually saying two or three words, but she chooses not to--probably because her mouth is dry from lack of hydration. She also knows what's going on most of the time, because when dad or I talk about cleaning her up she shakes her head and tries to be very adamant. I wouldn't let her refuse this afternoon since she hadn't been cleaned up since yesterday morning and desperately needed it. She was unhappy (I'm guessing) and kept her eyes closed the entire time. I had to change all of the sheets, and while I was doing so, one of her legs slipped off the bed and her foot banged into the drawer of supplies we have underneath it. She didn't even bother to warn me that she was slipping or react at all when her leg fell. I apologized two or three times and felt so bad that I almost started crying and she just laid there. I thought for a minute that she was passing out or falling asleep again because she just let me finish and start repositioning her, but when I realized I needed to change her gown, too, she held up her arms so I could take it off and put the new one on. So it was her choice not to react or respond, but it hurt my feelings a little because she wouldn't even acknowledge my apology. I think she was upset with me for insisting on cleaning her up. She'll have to get used to it, though, because it's not good to let her go that long without it.

The other "quick" update (I'm long-winded, I know): I heard from Sarah and the CT of her chest was clear. That's good! They're going ahead and trying to determine a treatment plan, and it looks like chemo. She asked for prayer, saying that God is the one that will have to heal her if she is healed. So please, keep praying, and thanks. For the prayers, the well-wishes, everything. Til next time.

not yet, anyway...and sarah

The good news: Mom's still alive. She still isn't eating, has stopped taking all meds except her pain pills, and sleeps most of the time, but she's still alive. Sometimes I wonder if that is actually "good" news, since I can't fathom having an existence like she has now, but it is good news to those who love her and are having a hard time with the idea of letting go. I still think it will be soon, but how soon is anybody's guess.

Other mom news? Instead of having the hospital bed in a seated position as she's had for months, mom barely inclines her head these days since she keeps sliding down and slumping in the bed. She doesn't have the strength to hold herself upright, and even when she tries to hold onto something (a glass of water or the control to move the bed, for example), she shakes uncontrollably. She's still cognizant, but barely speaks; she's taken to shaking or nodding her head when a response is required. Last night was my first night back after a long weekend (dad took Friday and Monday off) and she was unresponsive, for the most part. Not that she didn't know what was going on or couldn't respond--just that she didn't. Dad and I were cleaning her up and she just laid there with her eyes closed, crossing her arms when we told her we were rolling her and shaking her head when I asked her a question, but otherwise silent and still. It's this that makes me think (once again) that she could go anytime now--she's checking out mentally, and I think she's doing it on purpose. I can't blame her, either.

Mom has also "forbidden" any visitors except "relatives," which, luckily for them, includes the family she was a nanny for for several years. This is partially because she has a hard time speaking (the tumors effect her esophagus, in turn making her gag and vomit frequently, and speaking often triggers it). I think it's also because she just doesn't want people to see her this way, although she doesn't say so. It is hard seeing her like this: she's lost a lot of weight and most of her hair, and her skin is loose, dry, and wrinkly like someone much older--it reminds me of my grandparents (they were in their 80s or 90s when they died). With all that's going on, I didn't think things could get much worse. Honestly, they haven't for me personally, but I got some news the other day that made me cry instantly and has weighed on my mind since. The news requires a lot of prayer and is just heartbreaking.

The bad news: When I went over to watch mom so dad could go to church on Sunday, dad and mom passed the bad news on. My friend from high school, Sarah, was diagnosed last Tuesday with pancreatic cancer. It's in her liver and they are waiting for results to find out if it's in her lungs. Sarah is my age (34) and has a husband and three children, all girls. While she and I weren't close in high school, we were in the same little clique in junior high and she contacted me again about two or three years ago. She has been very supportive of our family since mom was diagnosed, always sending out email updates to our classmates and sending me encouraging emails. Please pray for Sarah and her family. I've done some very basic research on pancreatic cancer, and survival rates are only about 20% for one year and less than 5% for five years, especially when the cancer has spread and surgery is not an option (I don't know if it is for her or not). Sarah's so young, and her girls need their mother; please ask God not to let cancer take her, too. Let Sarah be one of the few that survive.

I can't leave you on this note, so I'll leave you with a traditional Irish blessing instead.

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

when?

I don't know how to title this, don't want to write this, don't even know what to write. But I know the five of you that read my blog regularly (funny how many people say they read it vs. actually read it) will want an update on mom, so here goes.

I think it will be soon. I'm hoping not today, since it's Ella's birthday, but I know dad's thinking soon too since he stayed home from work again today. I've been back at mom and dad's again since Saturday and she's been sleeping more than she was previously. She's been weaker, too. But yesterday she slept all day, except when the nurse's aid, the nurse, and Aunt Judy were there. She just happened to be awake at those times, or I don't think I would have been able to wake her up to interact with them. It took me five minutes to wake her up to give her the pain meds at 1:00, and then I couldn't wake her up for her other meds at 6:00. I called dad then and asked him if I could keep trying; we decided to let her sleep. She did wake up when he came home an hour later; he thinks putting his cold hands on her helped.

Between the sleeping thing and her weakness (even in her voice), I'm thinking it will be soon. But we thought that before and were wrong, so who knows. But dad's home looking for pictures of mom, I'm sure in preparation for her funeral. The picture from Olan Mills hasn't arrived yet despite their promises of a rush, although the frame came two weeks ago. He had mentioned that he was thinking about taking the second half of this week off since mom liked having him home last week, but now I don't know what he'll do. I know I'm wandering here, but I think mom thinks it will be soon, too, which could have a big impact on when it happens (I think the mental has a lot to do with it, especially after watching my grandfather hang on for hours and hours and, once he was told his oldest son tried but wouldn't be able to make it--so he could go--going within minutes). This morning she told me she's "fine, which isn't good," told me to have a nice day, and instead of saying "see you later," she told me, "Bye, babe," as I was leaving for work. I've got my phone on vibrate today and am wondering if I should expect a call or if I'm thinking this will go faster than it will. Waiting and wondering is having its toll on me, and I know on others in the family. I can't imagine what it's doing to mom.

Anyway, there's happy news on the horizon, too: a baby shower for my soon-to-be nephew next weekend (gotta RSVP; keep forgetting) and I'm feeling so much movement of my own baby that it's making me feel a little ill. It's still to weak for Al to feel yet, but the doctor said that won't happen for another three to four weeks since the baby's still too small to be that strong yet (I'm twenty-three weeks tomorrow). And as I said in my previous post, we found out last week that we're going to have another niece somewhere near the end of April. Dad will go from one to four grandchildren pretty quickly--our family is expanding rapidly!

Sounds like my students are wrapping up their work (peer review day), so I better get going, too. Happy Tuesday to everyone. If anything happens, I'll post it with the details. Thanks for keeping in touch.

happy birthday, ella!

My lovely little niece Ella Jean (and she is little, since she only weighs 18 pounds--my puppy is already that big!) turns one today. Maybe I'm biased, but she is one of the most adorable little girls alive. She was so happy at her birthday party on Saturday, running and playing and totally into opening her presents, but not so much into getting messy eating her cake (she got over that quickly, though). Dad, Beth, Jamie, Trent, Lilah, and I were our family's representatives at her birthday party. Then there were Rachel's family (along with the numerous children her cousin has--six or something like that) and a few of their family friends. It was a wonderful gathering in honor of a wonderful little girl.

Ella worked at opening her own presents and paid sufficient attention to all of them: the thousands of weebles and their various villages/farms/circuses/etc., the hand puppets with their own stage, etc. She paid attention to one card (mine!) that said "Peek a boo!" and especially loved three gifts (including ours!): a dancing, talking Elmo (from her Aunt Heather), a little princess "car" that she can ride or push and that plays music (from me and Al), and a slide (from dad). Oh, she loved that slide once Ryan had her sliding down it. She got mad that the other kids kept going down it since she wanted to do it over and over again. She even tried climbing up it (she had Ryan's help, of course) and will love having it in their basement along with the little playhouse she got (from Grampa Steve and Grandma Laura, I think).

When it came time for her own little personal cake, Ella stared at the candle, watched Ryan blow it out, watched them relight it, and then--instead of trying to blow it out--tried to grab it. Mom (Rachel) was fast, though, and had it out of her reach before she got to it. Then Ella daintily started nibbling on the cake. I hear she's a lot like I was when I was a kid, not liking to get dirty, and she demonstrated that Saturday by barely touching the cake at first. But Ella loves food, and she really loves things like cake and chocolate. Once her mom smushed her hand right into the cake and got her a big hunk of it, she must have decided the mess was worth the taste and dug right in. Still, she didn't get as messy as those pics you see of kids with frosting in their hair and all over the walls; just a little around her mouth, on her bib, and on her hand. I'll post pics later (once again, I'm posting at school instead of at home and don't have my camera with me).

Anyway. Today is Ella's actual birthday, so I'll say "Happy Birthday" once more. Next year, little girl, you'll have two cousins (one boy, one unknown) and a little sister to help you celebrate. Enjoy the solitude while you can!

respite

I don't have an update on my mother this week, and for one simple reason: I haven't really seen her enough to be able to give a detailed update. Dad took the week off of work to spend some time with mom and to get some things done around the house, which meant that I got the week off of hospice duty to spend some time at home. It started last Saturday, ends this Saturday, and has passed way too quickly. It has been wonderful and bittersweet at the same time, because I feel like a visitor in my own home. I never really got the chance to settle into married life with my husband and am eager for the home again/gone again patterns to end; if I'm honest, I have to admit that I don't want to go back to mom and dad's. I just want to live at home, be able to finish my degree and find a job (my officemate and the other faculty here are interviewing for my "dream" job, and I couldn't even apply because of all that is going on), and have a normal life, however that can be defined. But I will go back to mom and dad's and I will take care of mom because I love them/her and no one else can do it--timewise, moneywise, etc. I'll be there as long as it takes or until I have the baby, whichever comes first. Perhaps after that I'll be able to start a "normal" life.

Ah, but my respite: I was able to go to the Halloween party Saturday night, but by the time it came around I was so stressed out that I was crying and dreading going only half an hour before we left. But once we arrived, I enjoyed myself immensely; just being around my friends again and being able to talk about the baby and relax had me feeling, well, relaxed. And sleepy by the time we left. I'll have to post a pic of our costumes later. Al and I were Raggedy Andy and Raggedy Ann, and while he was dreading the prospect, I suspect he ended up enjoying it. Rather than being made fun of, as he thought, people thought his wig was cool (and I made it, and it kept him warm as a plus). Sunday we went to church and breakfast, and then while I made a shopping list and went grocery shopping, Al slept the afternoon away in front of the football games (he thinks he watches, but doesn't see very much). Monday we went to the doctor and Al got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time; the doc said all looks normal and my blood tests for Down Syndrome and the like all came back negative. We visited mom Monday night and mom and dad both fell asleep on us. I worked Tuesday and graded papers yesterday while Al worked on his car. Yesterday afternoon we took the puppy to the park and she loved it. And today, well, I'm back at work. Tomorrow Mya has her last shots and I need to do some shopping and work on my reading list (back to trying to get something done, at least, so I can take my exams in February), and Saturday is Ella's birthday party--and I'm back at mom and dad's. Sigh. It's going by way too fast, like I said.

Two big run-on paragraphs later and I need to head on down to class. It will be simple today since they have a workshop, but I'm eager for the next hour and a half to be over since I just want to go home and make it feel like my home rather than my husband's house that I'm moving into. And sleep. I was up grading at 2:00 am and didn't sleep well the night before. That's the life of a college instructor!

a long, wordy update

I should be grading. I should be recording attendance. I should be doing lesson plans. But I'm not. Instead, I'm taking a moment to interrupt my life (although, really, it's been "interrupted" by things out of the ordinary for several months now, and some would argue several years, since I took the unconventional move away from my boyfriend-fiance-husband to pursue a PhD) to write another update. An update about mom, me, the family, goings-on, you know. Read on if you're interested.

Mom
There's no easy way to say this; mom's been slipping again. Since Saturday, she's been hallucinating. At first, she'd just say a few things to Beth that didn't make sense. Then she started talking when no one was in the room; as soon as I'd pop my head in and say, "What?", she'd shake her head and say, "Sorry. I'm just getting confused." Then she started holding conversations during the night instead of sleeping; every time I'd wake up, I'd peek in on her and she'd be talking. Very quietly, but talking. She's aware that she's doing it, but says that to her the "conversations" she's having seem real and make sense (until we ask her about them or just walk into the room and interrupt her). Last night, she started seeing things (or maybe she has been all along and just hasn't said anything). She thought there was a basket of stuff on her bed that she wanted dad to move before she went to sleep; when we asked her "what stuff" she wanted moved, she realized that it wasn't really there.

The good news, if there is good news about this phase of mom's illness, is that she's done this before and been worse (from what I understand; it was the week that I was sick and couldn't see her while she was in the hospital, but she scared everyone that week and it eventually led to her being "kicked" out of the hospital and put into hospice care). At that point the doctors thought she had a maximum of two weeks. It was about seven or eight weeks ago. And after about a week of these hallucinations, she stopped seeing things and holding conversations that we weren't a part of and has been fine (in a sense) since. So this could go away. But usually something like this is in response to changes in medication, and while the doctors have taken her off of some meds, she hasn't had anything that would have this type of effect added to her med list. She has been taking more of her "emergency" medication lately--Roxinal, which is a form of fast-acting morphine--but not enough (or regularly enough) to make the hallucinations last this long. So we (the family) really don't know what to think of them. I don't like them because it bothers mom to know she's having them.

Mom did have a good day yesterday, and I got a "bonus" day off (non-working day away from mom and dad's house) and another night at home because dad took Monday off work--to rest and spend time with her. Mom told him that she really enjoyed having him there all day; when he's off on the weekends, he usually has to run errands, go grocery shopping, go to church, etc. Because she enjoyed it so much, he's thinking of taking next week off if it won't burden anyone at work. He has FMLA time that he can take, and even though he won't get paid for it, he can afford it thanks to the benefit. I think it would be good for both of them, and even though I'd be around part of the week, it would give me a little more time off, too (I could use it). We'll see; he has to check at work to see if it's even possible.

Me
How am I? Tired, but in better spirits than I was last week. That's probably because I got to spend Sunday night at my own home with my family--my husband, my cat, and my puppy--and sleep in my own bed. I'm sleeping better, and my puppy is eating better and almost house-trained. Sena is still suspicious of Mya and hisses, bats at her, runs from her, and ignores her alternately (whichever the situation calls for). Mya either barks, growls, and lunges at Serena or runs from her and tries to hide between my legs, depending on Serena's reaction to her barking and growling. Mya seems to think cat food tastes better than dog food and Sena prefers any cheese or milk that Al and I may be eating or drinking. But back to me.

I'm tired simply because I'm busy, and whereas two weeks ago I felt like I would never get anything done (and I still get frustrated at not even being able to prepare and eat a meal without getting interrupted), I'm slowly starting to feel accomplished again: I've been able to tackle teaching (barely), my schooling (again, barely), the house, and the baby blanket.

For teaching, I got through class this morning with barely enough preparation (something I hate to do); I am confident that I will get my grading done in time to hand back to my 2:00 class (only three more to go). I may even get my morning class's projects graded in time to hand back on Thursday, although that's being a bit ambitious (but there are only five since they are group projects). I'll be able to plan for Thursday's classes, though, without a problem. For my own schooling, I updated my major professor on mom's status, checked into registration for next semester (got to register so I don't have to start paying student loans or re-enroll at the university), and figured out what I can enroll for and got that rolling. I even decided that I'll try to take my comprehensive exams in early February; it's a seventeen-day process that I was going to tackle early this semester, but for obvious reasons, I've been unable to do that. After exams, it will be a home stretch to the dissertation; I'll just have to write it and do my oral exams before I'm Doc Rhonda. (Of course, that will be with a newborn, but we'll worry about that when it happens; after all, I'm not working next semester or summer, and since I can't be on a job search right now, probably not next fall unless I get a gig like this again.)

I've been able to start working on my house again, too. Well, get things rolling to get work done. I'm not actually doing most of the work since we hired Ryan to finish the painting that I barely started in the kitchen/family room. It's looking good! He's probably going to finish it today, but I've got more work to negotiate with him after that. More painting: the hallway (it's so dingy since Al has never, ever painted it since he moved in ten-plus years ago) and my office, which I just painted last year, but which Al is "moving into" with me since the baby's taking over his computer/rec room. He may not get his Cure or Beatles posters back up on the walls, but at least he won't have to deal with a color scheme he doesn't like (he thinks brown and blue don't go together since "warm and cool colors don't mix," and I guess the rest of the world is wrong about that color scheme). I'm going with a pale blue that should still look good and will get rid of the brown for him, and maybe even be good for the little one to move into if we end up having another (by that time, of course, we'll have had to work in the basement so I can have an office down there...). After that, Ryan and Al will talk about maybe possibly working on putting in overhead lighting together, at least in the baby's room and in the kitchen. It'll be hard to coordinate, though, since Al's working almost the entire month of November (hunting season). And although I'm not having Ryan paint the baby's room--I want to do that myself--I've been working on the quilt. In fact, it's almost done; I just need to quilt it and put on the binding. I'll post pictures when it's finished. It's not perfect, but I love it. And it will definitely not be a typical baby's room, which I'm very happy about.

(Aside: I realized I've talked much more about myself than mom. I'm not trying to be self-centered, but it's easier. I know what to say when it comes to me. I don't quite know what to say when it comes to mom besides describing her physical and mental condition.)

The Family
One thing I haven't talked about in my blogs much--but been asked about frequently--is how the family's taking everything. People ask about dad the most, and it's hard to answer. That's just because dad's being dad. He doesn't act much differently than normal; he still needs to work, go grocery shopping, and run errands; he still goes to church (although he hasn't been able to do nursery duty lately); he still makes dumb jokes that I can't help laughing at. He still grinds his coffee at 5:00 every morning. (Right outside my bedroom door, I might add.) Dad's not an overly emotional person--certainly not like most of us on my mom's side of the family--and doesn't talk about or show his emotions a lot. But I know he's been working on getting along without mom, and it hasn't been easy. Just getting the bills/paperwork in order has been frustrating for him, and he's been asking her questions about things she normally does that he'll need to take care of in the future. It's hard for him to see her losing weight, losing strength, and starting to hallucinate, since he doesn't quite know what to do for her at those times.

There was one clue that dad's taking this harder than he shows: He was a little upset, and adamant at first, when we suggested having Thanksgiving at their house as usual this year. Well, almost as usual: it's usually mine and my brothers' "off-year," the year we spend with the inlaws, but at least one of my brothers and me and Al are going to do a breakfast/brunch thing with the inlaws (normal for me and Al anyway) and then planning on spending the rest of the day with dad regardless of whether mom's still here or not. Beth wants to do the turkey and we'll spread the rest of the dishes out amongst us, but dad did not want to have Thanksgiving at the house. When Beth suggested it, he said, "Ask me in two and a half weeks," which made me think he thinks mom might not be around by then. But dad and I talked about it again a couple of days ago, and he agreed to do it at his house. For one thing, if mom is still here, we can't all go somewhere else and leave her alone; we'll just be eating off of trays instead of a table, which we're fine with. But if he changes his mind, there's always the option to do it at my house, and my brother even suggested they might be willing to do it at theirs. Wherever it ends up being, we'll be together, although eating later than normal (4:00 or 5:00 rather than 1:00 or 2:00).

My sister(s, including the in-laws) and brothers are doing everything they can, too. They each come by the house at least a couple of times a week and usually try to spend an hour or so with mom, but they make sure they spend time with dad and I, as well. We'll eat together or watch a movie together or just sit and talk and adore and play with Ella or Mya (or try to avoid Mya if she's in one of her hyper moods). We're each taking the whole thing in stride, and doing our best to support each other. I'm proud of each of them; I've had the most time with mom since I'm the oldest (years) and I'm staying at the house (end-of-life-time), but I can't imagine being younger like they are and going through this now. We're anticipating the three new young ones that will arrive in February, March, and April (both of my sisters-in-law are pregnant) but it's with a little sadness since odds are that mom won't be here. Ryan's still out of work and doing odd jobs to get by (thus the house-painting), but dad's manager agreed to interview him (that's something else you can pray for--a job for Ryan). And I can't forget about my husband; he's been the most supportive, loving husband, doing everything he can to spend time with mom and support me. He's complained a lot less than I have about not having me at home (in fact, he hasn't complained at all, but he's kind-of used to living like a bachelor!) and comes to visit me every night (unless he has hockey early, which he does tonight).

Everyone else? They're all taking it in their own way. My mom's family is being my mom's family--and I love them to death--but there's the usual high emotions (some in front of mom and us, some not), the usual judgments of each other (we're very opinionated, not afraid to express our opinions, and hold each other and ourselves to very high standards), and the usual complaining and/or bickering that results. It's not pleasant to have anyone complaining that "so-and-so should do more" and then call and tell so-and-so what they think, but we're dealing. In the end, we know that everyone loves mom and is doing what they think is best for her. And they're there for her; nearly every member of our family has come to visit as often as they can, and those that haven't live several states away. My dad's family comes to visit, too, and is as supportive of us as they can be. We're surrounded by love and concern, and that's a hundred times better than the opposite: no one visiting, no one caring, which is what the hospice workers tell us they see all too often.

Goings-On
If you've made it this far, bless you. I know I tend to be a bit wordy. :) That's about all I have for this week, other than to say I think I'll actually be able to make it to the Halloween party my friends are having this weekend. That excites me to no end; I just want to see my friends and spend a night having fun (not particularly talking about mom, although I know that will come up). I think I've covered everything else, except to say that if you've called/emailed and I haven't responded, sorry! And I'll try to get better. Oh, and I forgot to change out of my slippers and into my shoes before leaving for work today, which is painfully obvious since they don't match my outfit. But at least my feet are warm and comfy! Adieu for now...

october

crisp October
streaming sunlight
tantalizing, teasing
but its warmth does not touch me

instead
in a world of vibrant color
sounds of life surround
deceive

the colors are the last glimmer of life
fading brilliance
the sounds, the activity of the living
attempting to stave off death

crisp October
streaming sunlight
tantalizing, teasing
impregnable chill

death alies in wait

gathering at the water cooler

I'm going to take a few minutes from grading and class planning and teaching in general to share some water-cooler moments with you about our lives this past week:

• The benefit that my dad's work put on for our family raised over $7,100 last Wednesday, and even better, the company's owner agreed to match the funds, giving us a grand total of $14, 200. What an overwhelming, humbling response to my parents' needs--this was much more than they ever imagined. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who played a part, whether you donated money, items, time, or just ate spaghetti. And for those of you who couldn't participate and have been praying instead, your prayers are greatly appreciated and each one is heard. I cannot say it enough: thank you.
• Mom's appetite is smaller and she is growing thinner and weaker. She sleeps most of the day now and doesn't seem to want a lot of company. That means don't give her a chance to say no: if you want to see mom, just drop by. Any day is usually good (after all, she's not going anywhere...).
• I've been seeing a cardiologist for an accellerated heartbeat. I've been getting one quite often since I've been pregnant. I was there on Friday to get the results and tried the water from the Absopure water cooler (it was disgusting, making me think they filled the Absopure container with tap water). The good news is that I check out okay. I'll follow up with him in January just to be sure.
• I got to spend my first night at home in a month and loved it. I fell asleep in front of the fire with my husband, my cat, and my dog, and then tossed and turned half the night despite our new mattress (you have no idea how uncomfortable it is to sleep on your side 100% of the time when you're a back sleeper unless you've been pregnant). On Sunday we went to church, which I'll admit I dozed through (I blame the lack of sleep at nights) and we went to the cider mill, where I ate a doughnut, had hot cider, and got stung by a bee (and hey, guess what, I'm allergic and never used to be. Go figure. On meds now with half an arm red, swollen, itchy and burning.). We went home and watched a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother on dvd before returning to my parents' house. Just the kind of weekend I like--sans the bee sting, of course.

I think that's it, besides the fact that I just realized I blew off Danny this weekend. Oops. I was supposed to call him when I went back to my parents' on Sunday, but had a massive migraine and a bee sting and didn't feel up to company--and then promptly forgot to call him. Sorry, friend! That's it for my water cooler tales. Have a happy week.

the last anniversary?

Today is my parents' 36th wedding anniversary, and unless God grants us a miracle, it will be their last. Mom has been going downhill this past week. She eats less and less--usually just a small bowl of applesauce or jello a day--and can't keep down most of what she does eat. She has lost a lot of weight and strength; she now needs help to turn on her side (she usually lays on her back). She isn't as alert as she has been the past few weeks, but that could be due to the nausea medication she's taking. But the worst thing is seeing her lose her positive attitude.

Since she has been sick, mom has (for the most part) had a positive attitude. I wouldn't exactly call it hopeful, since she hasn't expected to recover (at least she hasn't expected that for the past couple of months). But she hasn't been angry or depressed; she's been telling those who asked that, although she doesn't understand God's choices, she believes that he is in control. Why didn't he allow the doctors to find the cancer sooner? She doesn't know, but accepts that this was his timing. Why don't the doctors know what type of cancer it is or how to treat it? She doesn't know, but God led her to these doctors at this time. She always speaks of God's goodness and wisdom, and saw it as her place to praise him and talk to others about him in the hospital (it's funny how many more times God and religion come up in a cancer ward). And since she's been home, she's been the one giving words of encouragement to others. But now, even though she hasn't turned bitter or angry or started blaming God, she's slipping, perhaps into a depression.

Several days ago, mom told me that all of this "laying around" is "getting to [her]." And no wonder; she's been bedridden for thirteen weeks as of today. Dad had a hard time talking with her last night, because she kept staring off into space and letting her mind wander. Like I said, it could be contributed to the medication in part, but she's been taking the newest med for at least a week and was not as unresponsive as she is now. Today we had a Comfort Keeper in since Dad, Beth, and I all had to work and Aunt Janet was taking care of her grandchildren. Sue said that she dozed or slept most of the day. Mom's friend Cathy wanted to come visit and mom told her not to come. Thankfully, Cathy called back and said she really wanted to come and mom gave in. Mom said she had a good visit and is glad she let Cathy come, but she also said she's tired of having visitors because she's out of things to say. It's hard to see her this way--basically giving up--but I can understand it, too. I wouldn't want to lay in bed all day long for months on end. When I did have a dream that mom was up and about the house, sitting in the living room chair, I told her about it trying to get her hopes back up. She said she didn't think it would ever be possible again because her spine is literally disappearing, being eaten away by the cancer. Like I said, it would take a miracle.

Yesterday, dad asked me and my brother for our opinions. He was trying to choose between two different pictures of my mom taken by Olan Mills for their church directory in the past year. He said he wanted to order an 11x14, and I didn't understand why he wanted such a big portrait of mom. Then he told me: he's thinking of having a closed casket at her funeral. I think it's because she's losing all of her hair from the few chemo treatments that she did have, and she's very self-conscious about it, trying to preserve what's left. She doesn't really look like herself anymore, either, since her cheeks are already sunken and the skin has grown tighter. He decided on a framed, matted 8x10 instead, and called to order it today. His one concern, he had told me, was getting it here in time--he was afraid it might take more than one or two weeks, and afraid that might be too long. When he ordered it, he asked that they put a rush on it since they said it usually takes three to four weeks. He explained why he needed it and a few minutes later the studio called back. When the supervisor heard dad's story, he requested a seven-day rush and waived all fees (it would have been $95 total). That's such a blessing for my family at this time. Dad was so grateful that he told mom and me as soon as he had a chance after arriving home.

And there's another blessing to report: while we don't have any figures, dad's work said that they have received more than they ever expected to receive for the benefit that they're putting on for the family tomorrow night--not only in monetary donations, but in raffle donations, as well. Among the items they're raffling off at the spaghetti dinner are an autographed jersey from Chris Chelios, Red Wing tickets, and Pistons tickets (1 for $1, 6 for $5). Of course, there are smaller donations for the raffle, as well. I won't be able to go since I'm taking care of mom, but I'm sending raffle money (hey, I love the Red Wings) and don't mind passing on the spaghetti (never really liked it). But the things people can win aren't what really matter; what matters is that people are pouring out their love and support and helping my mom and dad in a time of need, and we can't be thankful enough. Thanks to everyone who has played a part in this. I'll close with a snippet from a song by Michael Card, a christian artist that has blessed me through his music. This song, especially, has stuck with me through the years, because of its simple tune, words, and the story behind the song (you can listen to part of it, too). It's called Barocha and my favorite part is my prayer for you:

The Lord bless you and keep you
The Lord make his face shine upon you
And give you peace
And give you peace
And give you peace forever

...inspired by teddy

I have a teddy bear that is 27 years old--older than my youngest brother. So I've been looking for a teddy bear for my baby--one that will be special to him/her (I hope) and different from the average bear. I thought I found one a few weeks ago, but yesterday I ran across this teddy and fell in love. And this teddy is more than just a bear; it will be the inspiration (finally) for decor in the baby's room. I'm not a pastel-type person, nor am I one for scream-out-loud bright colors. So baby's room will be a mixture of grays and tans, accented with soft greens and pale yellows. (We won't know what we're getting til the kid comes out, so it's got to be gender neutral.) We'll be putting in a wood floor (finally getting rid of that shag carpet that's probably original to the house) and I'm partial to the dark wood furniture, but we'll have to see what we find when we shop. I shopped for baby quilt fabric yesterday and started cutting it today, so I'll be posting pics of that once I've got it going. Oh, and I'll have Al put overhead lighting into the room so we don't have to use lamps (doesn't seem particularly safe in a baby/toddler room). Finally--a plan! Now if I could just find the time to put it into place...

meet myarrow

It's funny how the little things usually provide us the most joy in life. The little one that's causing me joy now is Myarrow--a 6.13 pound, six week old rottweiler that chose me as her new mommy Friday evening. I couldn't believe how tiny she was when I met her, and it's hard to believe that this calm little girl that I carry around in my arms (and my cat's carrier) will be 60+ pounds in a few months. But that's okay; I think dogs should be bigger than my cat. Right now Mya's about a third of Serena's size.

Al and I brought her "home" to Grandma and Papa's house Friday evening, and by Saturday Myarrow was romping in the yard chasing Beth's dog, Presley, and ignoring Ella, who was doing her best to run around chasing the dogs (Ella's walking already--not even eleven months!). Yesterday, she played with me outside for forty-five minutes and started moping when I brought her in. She loves to be outside. She slept most of the afternoon, and yesterday evening Al and I brought her to her real home to meet Serena. Of course, Sena hissed at her and kept watching her from afar (suspicious as she is of all other animals), but when Mya just kept sleeping, Sena even dared to go up close enough to sniff her butt. Mya jumped, scooted six inches away, and went back to sleep. Sena seemed to decide she could handle this, and although I don't expect them to be friends, I'm sure they'll be civil. Serena will be in charge, of course.

The one thing: Myarrow's not eating very well (only a few bites yesterday, and none so far today). I'll be trying to coax her into eating by hand-feeding her in a few minutes. (Not unusual for a dog whose entire environment changed so recently, but new mommy worries prevail). Mya's a very calm dog for the most part; I've only heard her bark once, and she cries a little when she can't follow me around, but she's already sleeping without complaint (or accidents, since Friday night) in her crate. I'm already in love. It might take Al another twenty-four hours, but he'll get his chance: he's taking her from me and Grandma and Papa's tonight and keeping her overnight and while I work tomorrow. I'm hoping she perks up so she can explore a little more around the house, try her hand at sniffing Serena's butt, and play with Al in the yard.

And now the mom update. She's down to only eating breakfast (applesauce or cereal) and, on lucky days, a small snack in the afternoon (jello or applesauce). She usually doesn't keep it down. She has a gagging reflex when we even mention taking pills, and half the time it ends up in bile. (No wonder; she takes 16 pills a day.) She's still alert during the day and has several visitors, but she can't move her hips on her own (she thinks it's due in part to her degenerating spine) and needs assistance even to shift herself in the bed. She slept longer last night than usual. She worries because I don't really get much work done here in between taking care of her, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, and (some nights) cooking dinner for me, Al, and dad. She's trying to keep her spirits up, and I don't know how she can have such a good attitude. I'd be feeling so sorry for myself, but she just takes it one day at a time.

As for me? I miss being in my own house with my husband and my cat. I wonder when I'll ever be able to spend the night at home again. I'm wonder if/when I'll have time to finish the paint job I started in our family room/kitchen/dining room or if I'll be able to decorate the baby's room (or even register for baby stuff). I wonder if I will be able to go to my niece's first birthday party or my sister-in-law's baby shower. I wonder if I'll be able to decorate my house for Christmas this year (or enjoy the decorations if I can). I'm slowly growing desperate for some time with friends (I won't even be able to make the annual Halloween party that I've missed for three years because I was in Iowa--bitter disappointment). I don't know when I'll be able to take my exams or finish my dissertation or go on the job market or graduate. But I try to remind myself of the reason I'm doing this--for my mom and my dad--and try to remember what will have happened if/when I could/can do all of that stuff: the most likely scenario is that mom wouldn't/won't be here anymore. And I can't wish for that, either.

Thanks again for the support and love, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch; life's been a little crazy. Please, feel free to call; the worst that can happen is that it might go to voice mail and I won't have a chance to call you back. If you email me telling me to call, don't count on a call--sorry, but I tend not to think of those things until 11:00 or 12:00 at night. Love you, miss you, keep us in your prayers. Thanks.

home at last

Mom's been home almost a week now, and she's loving being at home (except, I'm sure, the whole not being able to get out of bed or do much of anything thing). She's been able to eat at least two meals a day and keeps about half of them down. She's already read one book and has another one waiting, and each evening dad sits with her and they talk or watch one of their favorite television programs--Dancing With the Stars and Survivor both started this week, so it's good viewing for them (they even went home early from dessert night at Aunt Judy's on Thanksgiving for the past few years just to watch Survivor). I've been trying to keep her, the dishes, and the laundry clean, but it's been a little hard to do any schoolwork here, whether it's prepping for my classes or working on my dissertation. I'm hoping that changes now that I've got mom's office set up as my temporary bedroom and have both of my computers hooked up to the router.

The visitor scene was pretty calm until last night. Before then, Aunt Janet, Aunt Carolyn, and Aunt Judy were the only ones to come by--well, except my brothers when she got up last Saturday (I wasn't here yet). But last night, my brothers, sisters-in-law, and niece came; Uncle Keith and Aunt Marge came; a couple mom and dad knew from Calvary came; and a neighbor from down the street came. Of course, this was all before dad and Al even got here for the evening, and in the midst of it all Aunt Lorinda called (I asked if they could call her back--mom wouldn't have been able to hear anything with all of those people around, and dad wasn't home yet). Surprisingly, everyone was gone by 8:00 pm. Mom and dad got to watch Survivor after all, and Al and I watched an episode of Chuck (season one) on DVD before watching the season premier of The Office (could have been better, but at least--and here comes the spoiler--Jim proposed to Pam! At a gas station, in the rain!).

Seems strange that my busy, busy week can fit into two small paragraphs like that. Carolyn's coming over today, so I'll be able to go home for a couple of hours and spend time with my cat (unfortunately, my husband will be at work). Jamie's dropping by with the kids in a few minutes so I'll have my hands busy until--and maybe for a while after--Carolyn gets here. Mom's resting. It must get boring laying around in bed all day; she didn't know what she wanted to do, so said she'd just lay there. I wish I could do more for her.

More next week (I hope), and thanks for all the love, support, and prayers. We appreciate it, and mom's been overwhelmed by all of the people who do or say things to show they care.

mom update

A lot has happened since I last wrote about mom, so I thought I'd better write an update. Besides, it's good timing. She's coming home tomorrow under hospice care.

Al and I got back from the weekend in Iowa on Sunday, September 7. I was feeling horrible that day--nauseous, headachey, and plagued by allergies (or so I thought)--so I let Al drive the entire way home. During a pit stop on the way home, dad called and said they were going to start mom on nutrition later that week since she wasn't eating. It could take one of three forms: an IV, which they were afraid would collapse her veins; going directly into her stomach, which would require surgery (but was mom strong enough to handle that?); or a feeding tube. I broke down in the gas station because a few days prior to that mom told me she didn't think she would last even three months. If she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't live, and who knew if she'd ever get off of nutrition once she accepted it. I had to have Al come into the gas station to pay for my drink since I couldn't stop crying.

When we got home, I collapsed into bed. I woke up at 4:30 the next morning with a horribly sore throat and realized that I was sick. Bad news, because I was supposed to go to the hospital and sit with mom that day. I ended up needing to call Beth, and she had to be there for almost 48 hours--and then go back and spend the nights that I was supposed to spend at the hospital that week. As I sat at home with a horrible cold, I heard stories that got worse and worse. She was hallucinating horribly and told Aunt Janet that she thought the hallucinations were God's way of helping her "transition" to death and the afterlife. And mid-week, she refused any kind of nutrition even though she couldn't eat. The best option for her had been the feeding tube and she didn't want it. So her doctor called a family meeting for Friday (the 12th) at 2:00. To me, that meant only one thing: the doctor thought mom was dying and wanted to talk to us about where we would like her to spend her final days.

Everyone but Ryan was able to make the meeting on Friday, but he was able to speak to the doctor the evening before. I had to wear a mask since my cold was still pretty bad. Mom seemed to be doing better than she had been--no hallucinations, at least--but wasn't really taking in anything we were saying. She didn't even remember being there. The doctor suggested hospice care, whether it was at the hospital, in a facility, or at home. We said we'd do a consultation.

On Saturday, Angela Hospice came in for what dad and mom thought was a consultation, and started filling out paperwork to admit her. Once they realized what was going on, mom and dad said they just wanted to talk about it. Mom wanted to stay at the hospital because she thought it would be easier on all of us. That turned out not to be an option. Okay, then, at the hospice facility. Nope. They only had sixteen beds, all of which were full, and there was a waiting list. Mom didn't want to go home, so they decided she'd stay in the hospital and continue treatment. She was still getting radiation to her spine, and had the option of starting on her foot when that was done. So no hospice. Or so we thought.

Beth called me Tuesday morning with a sore throat. Seems this bad cold is going around, since Trent and Lilah were both sniffly and even the family mom used to be a nanny for have been sick for over a week. I went in for her that night and spent the night with mom, and mom, dad, and Carolyn threw me for a loop when I got there. The doctor had come in earlier that day with some bad news: mom was not going to be able to stay in the hospital. A higher-up doctor had called mom's doctor and started asking questions since, as of Tuesday, mom had been in the hospital for nine weeks. He asked if the doctor thought mom was terminal (yes), if there was anything the doctor thought would change that (no), what the purpose of the radiation was (comfort, not actual treatment of the cancer), and if the doctor thought mom would ever be able to start chemo again (no, she is too weak). He hinted that since they couldn't do anything for mom, they could use the bed--the hospital was full. At that point, we really had no choice. Dad called Angela Hospice back and set up an appointment for yesterday. We thought mom would be in the hospital about another week. What a surprise to find out they're planning on getting her out by Saturday at 1:00.

The new plan? Tonight's the last night mom and I will spend the night at the hospital, and hospice will stop by at the house tomorrow morning to bring by everything we need to take care of mom: a hospital bed, oxygen, medical supplies, etc. Aunt Carolyn will be with mom until they take her home in an ambulance and Beth, Dad, and possibly Carolyn will be there for mom when she gets home. I actually get to go to the Renaissance Festival with Al tomorrow (yippee!) and then to church tomorrow night, but after that, I'll be moving back in with mom and dad to take care of her (never, ever thought I'd be moving back in with my parents!). I've been watching the nurse's aides carefully, and am sure I can clean her up, help her turn and move, and do other things she'll need when hospice isn't there. So those of you that haven't seen or heard from me in a while, get ready for even less communication now--I'll have to stay in the house the majority of the time, leaving only to work or have precious short "dates" with my husband.

The good news is that we're all looking forward to the move home, and even mom's fears have been eased a bit. She said she's getting excited to go home. Janet is so excited that she already packed up a ton of the stuff that had ended up in mom's hospital room (including mom's journal, which she would have liked to write in). I'm looking forward to being able to at least be more comfortable in my parents' house--I did live there for years, and I'm bringing my computers so I can keep working. I'm even buying a baby monitor now so that I can sleep on a real bed but still hear mom at night if she needs me. I'll be able to cook and maybe tempt mom with more food (if she can keep it down--she managed a yogurt today), and Al can come visit and be more comfortable, too. And when Mya comes home (the puppy I have yet to meet, but should be coming home soon) I'll be able to be with her and train her. As for how long mom has, it always changes--a few days to a few weeks, but who knows. Mom has been doing good this week (not hallucinating, at least eating breakfast, alert and talking) and even thinks she might make it longer than she thought (maybe to Thanksgiving, Christmas, who knows?). We'll see. Just keep us in your prayers.

One more thing: Dad's work is putting on a benefit for our family on October 15. It's a spaghetti dinner at $15/person, but they'll take donations if you can't make it (it's downriver). It would help dad (and mom and even me), since we are considering hiring help from Comfort Keepers, a franchise that my aunt owns and that has people that can come in and help in situations like this. We at least need someone to stay with mom when I'm at work, and Beth's FMLA is running out and dad doesn't even get paid for FMLA (he's out of vacation days). Anyway. I'm not one to plug for money, but people keep asking what they can do, so if you want more details, contact me personally. There will be door prizes if you can make it to the dinner. I don't know if I'll be there, though; I'll be taking care of mom if she's still around. Besides, I never have liked spaghetti. :)

stephanie & lee's wedding

This past weekend I was in Iowa yet again, but this time it was for a very happy occasion. Stephanie and Lee got married!

Stephanie was a beautiful bride, but I didn't get very many pictures of her since Dana and I were actually in the wedding. The pictures I did manage to get are here. It was a beautiful wedding and a unique, fun reception, and Stephanie and Lee looked very happy. And now I'm back home, resting up since about 28 hours in the car in a three-day time span is a lot for a pregnant lady almost out of her first trimester (that'll be Wednesday).

puppy mya

I'll be bringing one of these beauties home in about seven weeks--I can't wait! Of course, I don't know which one she is yet, but I'll be naming her Myarrow--Mya for short. She'll be a little ray of sunshine in our life this fall. I'll keep you posted!

in today's news...

A lot has happened since my last post, so it's catch-up time. I have to apologize to those of you who have reached out to me and and to whom I haven't responded; I'm usually at the hospital with mom, and when I'm not there, I'm home sleeping. I lead an exciting life, let me tell you.

First, mom had a great weekend. She was alert, has been in a good mood (for the most part), and has been eating well. That hasn't always been the case these past four weeks (mom's been in the hospital that long already). It's very painful to move and there's been some damage to her heart (from what, they're not sure) so she can no longer do radiation treatments. She was vomiting every time she swallowed pills or ate, so didn't have much of an appetite. Because she wasn't eating, she was swelling up like a balloon from not getting enough protein. The pain meds were making her hallucinate and she was groggy, sleepy, and had a hard time talking most of the time. She had fluid in her lungs, so when she did try to talk, it was hard for her to breathe. Last week, the doctors told her she only has a few weeks to live, and she took this as "two weeks" and has been telling everyone that for the past week.

Things did take a slight turn for the better. She started to get low-dosage chemo treatments, and has had two so far. We won't know if they're helping for another week or so, but so far there have not been any negative side effects. The vomiting has gone down and her appetite has gone up, so the swelling is reduced. They drained her lungs last week, and she feels so much better that she has a hard time (as do we) believing that she's going to die soon. And they've changed her pain medications and given her more control over them, so she's stopped hallucinating (for the most part) and can stay awake most of the day and carry on conversations. She had a good birthday (Saturday) and is trying to decide whether to stay in the hospital or go home. She's in a private room now, making it easier on her and the family, and thinks it might be too hard on us to take her home, but I told her that by the end of October she'll have to come home so I can take care of her and train my puppy at the same time (they'll be born end of this month and I get to bring one home in October!). She agreed. :)

Let's see. I applied for, interviewed, and got a one-year assistant professor job at a research one university two hours away, and turned it down. I was their first choice--unanimous--but mom took a turn for the worse after I interviewed and I couldn't take a job that far away. Besides, I also found out (after I interviewed) that we have a little one coming sometime around March 5, and I couldn't in good conscience take an eight-month gig of which I'd only work six months. (Like how I snuck that in there?) But I am teaching two courses at Eastern this fall, so that'll give me something to do other than sit around, eat, sleep, and worry.

That's about it for today's family news. I'll try for more news soon.

mom

Terminal. Stage 4.

Chemo. Radiation. Timeline unknown.

She's been in the hospital since Tuesday. Too much pain to handle life at home. She'll be in for another week, at least.

She was the most faithful reader of my blog. I wonder if anyone else will even see this.

video frenzy

I've got some videos I'd like to share that are too big to send through email. They are of my niece and young cousins. Enjoy!

Chapstick
June 1, 2008

Cuddle
June 22, 2008

Arm
June 22, 2008

Everything Grows
June 28, 2008

Itsy Bitsy Spider
June 28, 2008

A Gabriel Original
June 28, 2008

Getting Silly
June 28, 2008

smorgasboard

Do you miss me?

It's been a while since I've written, I know. There's been a lot going on. I'll start with the happy stuff first.

The video above is a video of Ella from last week. She's seven months now, and probably going to walk before she crawls. She's beautiful, usually happy, and has her first little prosthetic arm. So cute!

I'm also living at home with my husband now. (Yea!) I haven't done any gardening yet, but I do have flowers and a lilac bush sitting outside waiting for me to start digging in the ground. Any day now...

What I have been doing is a plethera of things, none of which have anything to do with school (uh, oops). When I first got home, I had a carload of stuff I had to fit into the house. I finally got that done and then we went on vacation (a road trip through Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, a bit of Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, and back to Minnesota again) and spent our first anniversary packing up my car, Al's truck, and a trailer with the rest of my stuff. We got back on June 11 and our house is still not in order. I do have to start on school stuff, though, since I have a job interview with Western Michigan on Monday. Wish me luck!

Okay, so the not-so-happy stuff. On June 11, my mom was diagnosed with sarcoma. It's a kind of cancer that grows in the connective tissue of your body, and hers is on her chest wall. The thing is, this kind of cancer is rare in adults and they don't really know what causes it. Usually the only treatments for it are radiation and surgery. It's affecting her spine and she's in a lot of pain most of the time (she had to quit her job). She started radiation this week, and Beth and I are driving her to most of her doctor's appointments. She's got a mass in her kidney, as well, which they're biopsing next week. They think it may be where the cancer started and they also think it's causing her foot and ankle to swell (it's twice the size it should be) by pinching blood vessels or something. Finally, she's got an enlarged uterus and they can't figure out why, so they're sending her to an oncology gynecologist.

What else? My brother, Ryan, needs a job. He got laid off a month or two ago and could use work since they just got into that house in March. He'd like a job that would pay for school, too, since he and Rachel both think they'd like to go back and get teaching certificates.

Okay, think that's it! I need to get working, so maybe I'll write sooner next time...

owee

It must have been in preparation for my move. I'm not sure what I did or how I did it, but my arm feels like I got about four tetanus shots. I can barely move it above resting position without feeling a lot of pain. Too bad I'm not done with my papers yet (but I have 21 1/2 hours left to finish them) or done with my deep-cleaning in my apartment yet or heading home yet. Ah, I wish I was...

can i be normal, please?

Wow. It's finals week, and a week I'm dying to be a "normal" thirty-three year old. One who isn't in a PhD program trying to finish up her coursework (the last class papers! yippee!), pack up her apartment and clean it like she's never cleaned before and paint two humongous walls (I have ten foot ceilings and one of the walls is about sixteen feet long) and have time for a going away party, all in the space of 192 hours (four days).

But look on the bright side: It's mostly sunny, 73 degrees, and as of Saturday noon (I hope) I'll be finished with my last classes ever and moving home to live with my husband, where I'll be able to garden to my heart's content. It's just the getting there that's the hard part. Super speed woman, I need you now.

whew

I am too sensitive, I guess. My committee chair told me that the comments I received were mild compared to comments most students receive. It's still a bit upsetting, though, since it means I probably won't be taking my exams this summer. I'll probably have to wait until the fall semester.

denied

My reading list got denied by the exams committee. I've got to make a ton of revisions, and I need to do it before I can take my comprehensive exams and go ABD (all but dissertation). I feel a little blind-sided because I feel like my dissertation committee could have warned me if they didn't think it was good enough--could have asked me to make changes before it got to the exams committee. The exams committee wants me to add information on areas I know nothing about, which isn't going to help when I get to my exams and have to answer questions about them.

All over again, I'm feeling like I'm just not good enough to do this. I thought I was over that.