super speed woman

Super Speed Woman made an appearance today. And she reminded me that it's about time I introduced her to you.

Super Speed Woman is an alter-ego of mine, one I've never told anyone about--ever. She would fall within the minor super hero category since her powers are only minor super powers. But they are very handy to have in a time of crisis.

For me, crises can arise out of a variety of situations. When Super Speed Woman appears, however, it's always a time crisis. I'm a huge procrastinator, and that's usually what brings her out. Today, though, it wasn't procrastination that called her. It was the fact that I exercised for ten minutes longer than I should have and then sat in the McDonald's drive-thru when I should have driven straight home. I ended up having only twenty minutes to shower, dress, put on my make-up and do my hair, so it was Super Speed Woman to the rescue!

"You're not really telling them about me," she's whispering in my ear right now. As she jabs me in the side. "They need to know who I am, where I came from--you know, that sort of thing!" Okay, okay, SSW. Today is your day.

All of my life, I have been prone to being late. I run late for school, for church, for going out with friends--you name it, I've probably been late to it. Sometimes, this bothers me. I realize that I'm going to be late and I haven't showered or anything, so I try to hurry. And since about junior high or high school--I really can't remember when it started--I have tried to speed myself up by calling on this imagined alter ego, Super Speed Woman.

SSW always appears when I am about to take a shower. She rips off her clothes with maddening speed, whips on the water, and jumps in as fast as she can. She starts shampooing, urges me that today is not a good day to shave, and tries to get me in and out of the shower in five minutes flat. As I said, though, SSW's powers are only minor super powers. As such, she usually gives in to her kryptonite and lets me take over again. I rarely make it out of the shower in less than fifteen or twenty minutes, but when I do, it's thanks to SSW. Her powers never last long enough for me to get through my hair, make-up, and getting dressed. By the time that half-hour or more has passed, she's long gone.

SSW is so power-less because her kryptonite is distraction. There are all types of things that can distract her, especially in the shower: the warm water that feels so good, the scent of my body wash (currently gingerbread spice) that she wants to inhale, the longing for smooth skin on my legs (she hates that stubbly feeling). She gets easily distracted by these things and forgets that she's supposed to be working--and then she lets me take over. Bad idea, Super Speed Woman. Rhonda is not a speedy girl, and Rhonda always runs late. Bad Super Speed Woman, bad! You really need to work out those minor super powers more.

SSW doesn't like being reprimanded publicly and wants me to tell you a little more about her, though, so here goes. Her favorite song is "Going the Distance" by Cake, and she alters the words to fit her personae:

She's going the distance
She's going for speed
She's all alone, all alone in her time of need

I don't think she knows the song is about a race car driver and his forsaken (lost?) girlfriend. Um, what else? Oh, she doesn't have a super-hero suit because, well, she's always appearing in the shower. Guess you could say it's her birthday suit. (She's telling me to shut up right now. I'm embarrassing her.) She likes to sing, but that is a distraction for her, too, since she always tries to sing as well as she can in case the people in the hallway or the next apartment overhear her. Oh, and she wishes I would let her out when I'm trying to jog, but I keep telling her that my body isn't ready for that yet. Maybe in time.

I'm sure you're all thinking I'm crazy right now. That's alright, as long as you were amused. Because this is the inner world of Rhonda. And my theme song, at least on some days, fits right in with this post. It's by 3 Doors Down and is called "Kryptonite."

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with ny superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak but your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be there holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my Superhuman might
Kryptonite