can i have my perfect family back, please?

I used to think my family was perfect. Ah, how naive I was.

Now, you need to understand something. When I speak of "family," I don't mean just my mom, dad, brothers, and sister (and now sisters-in-law and niece). I don't just mean my husband and baby on the way. I mean my mother's entire family (and we're rather large). We've always been close (and no offense to my dady's family, but we're just--not). As I said, I used to think my family was perfect simply because we all love each other fiercely. Sometimes, though, that "fiercely" is the bad part. And these past few months have been a struggle in more ways than one.

Our clan is extremely emotional and extremely outspoken (I erased the word "very" here because it just isn't enough--that should tell you something). And opinionated. Extremely, extremely opinionated. Add that mix to a long, drawn-out dying process of a mother/grandmother/sister/aunt and you've got trouble from some members of the family.

I won't name names or go into too many specifics, but the trouble mostly takes on a form of judgement from some on the subject of "spending time with your dying (mother, sister, etc.)" vs. having a life. (Don't worry, none of this judgement has fallen on me--at least, not much of it that I know of, although apparently I wasn't supposed to spend an afternoon at the renaissance festival.) According to some, it's either one or the other--no happy medium--and everyone must sacrifice every part of his/her life that isn't absolutely necessary (and even some that are) to be sitting by mom's side. (Honestly, if everyone did that, mom would probably have stopped talking a long time ago. That many people here all the time would have driven her crazy. Just limiting the visitors to relatives and her nanny family still leaves room for about sixty or so visitors.) If you're on the wrong side of that judgement, you hear about it after it's been eating away for a while at whomever's doing the judging. And it's usually an emotional, accusatory blow-out that has somehow heightened to the proportions of threatening to "tear this whole family apart." (Drama. Lots of it in our family. And--for those of you that know me--that has to mean something significant coming from me.)

Now, I'm not saying these things simply as gossip. Part of me is blowing off steam hoping I don't hurt anyone (many people involved never read this blog anyway), and part of me is doing it as yet another request for prayer. Because these judgements and accusations hurt people, and after going through some of it myself early on and then discussing it and thinking about it rationally (yes, I can do that, too) has led me to conclude that these judgements and accusations aren't justified. Maybe some of the initial emotions are justified--it would be a strong, strong person that didn't get a little wacko in a time like this--but holding onto them, nursing them, and letting them turn into something ugly and dark and then lashing out at others is not. So I'm asking for prayer that God will work in our hearts and convict those who are wrong (even if it's me), heal those who have been hurt, and then soften our hearts toward each other so that only love, compassion, and support are left. This is a huge prayer request--believe me--but it's important because the situation is wearing on even those who aren't directly involved, especially my dad. Even mom. We don't need this now.

Thanks for letting me vent. Til next time.