silence

I remember when caller id was new. My roommate had an answering machine and we would get hang-ups on it all the time, and I had an obsession with finding out who was making all of these calls and not leaving messages. I would imagine that those missed calls were from my friends who wanted to do "stuff" at that very moment and ended up not leaving messages because I wasn't there. In my thinking, that lead to me missing out on so much--on opportunities to connect with/hang out with/be with other people. I got a phone with caller id to remedy this problem. Instead, the caller id killed my imagination, my hope. All of those calls ended up being telemarketers.

Now that I'm living so far from my fiance, family, and most of my friends, I'm starting to feel that way again; only this time, it's a more advanced version of the hang-ups on the answering machine. I have a cell phone and most of my calls are from Alan or Dana. I have email; most of my emails are chain-mail forwarded by various friends, group emails not directed toward me only, ads from various marketers (the electronic telemarketers), or short notes from Alan when he's bored at work. I have an account on an internet community that shall remain unnamed but you can probably guess; lately, the motivation to get on it isn't that strong since I'm usually (a) disappointed in the silence (lack of messages and comments from my friends) and (b) unwilling to take the time to wait for the pages to load since it's getting so bogged down with users. I think I may stay off it forever; silence is too lonely. It's too heartbreaking to know that people other than mom, Rachel, Alan, and Dana aren't thinking of me more often than they do.