28.2.07

ish

Have you noticed that I tend to use "ish" in my posts? Five-ish, six-ish, seven-ish... Ever wonder where that comes from?


Well, even if you didn't, I'm going to tell you. It comes from my 1992 trip to Trinidad & Tobago. I went with my church youth group to help with construction on a Christian camp. By "construction," I mean I broke rocks (literally) and cemented them to the outside of buildings to help make the buildings cooler inside. In case you don't know this already, Trinidad & Tobago are two islands not far from the equator, about forty miles north of the coast of Venezuala. You can actually see Venezuala from Trinidad on a clear day.

We stayed on Trinidad, the main island. To this day, it remains the most beautiful place I have ever been. So green, so lush--and sad when you realize that those tin shacks you see along the mountainsides are actually people's homes. When I went, I brought $90 and got $400 in exchange.

When we arrived at the camp, they explained to us that everything there ran in "ish" time. They might say that breakfast was at 9:00 am, but it was actually 9ish, which could mean anywhere between 8:30 and 9:30--ish. Everything ran that way, and it was relaxing not to have to worry about being late. I wish our culture was more ishy.

Our accommodations were...interesting. We stayed at the camp in the dorms. The dorm that Wendy (my best friend at the time) and I stayed in had two bunk beds and a tin roof. The windows were covered in wire mesh, but were not screens like we would think of them. The holes in the mesh were about 3"x3", small enough to keep the largest creatures out. We kept mosquito coil (incense) burning all night and slept with our sheets over our heads since the mosquitos were carnivorous. Other people used mosquito netting, too, but we didn't have any. The bathrooms were outhouses, and if you were lucky, you'd get one with a door. The shower was only enclosed on three sides and was a group shower--there were about six-eight shower heads in this one enclosure. It was open to the sky and, on the fourth "side," the cliffs--it looked out over a mountain valley. If I recall correctly, we had to hurry when we took the showers so the water wouldn't run out. I believe the reservoir was refilled each day by the rain, which came down hard and fast every hour or so. It was rainy season, but that didn't matter much. About ten minutes after it stopped raining, it was dry--the air just soaked it right up.
There were geckos everywhere inside the buildings and houses (for the people that had actual houses). And every once in a while we would see other lizards, too. Wendy and I discovered that a giant, brilliantly green lizard lived in the trees right outside our dorm. It was about as big as my arm-span, and every day at the same time it would "plop" from the trees onto our dorm's tin roof and then scoot off down the mountainside (the wall opposite the door was actually right along a cliff's edge).

The best story I have from that trip is the story about our group's trip to the resort island, Tobago. Near the end of our ten-day (?) stay, we got to take a flight over to Tobago for a day of R&R. Pastor Jim, our leader, wouldn't let us take our credit cards for fear of thieves. Instead, he tood the church credit card in case of an emergency. We arrived there in the morning and spent almost all of our money since we weren't going anywhere else where we would be able to spend money. Tired and happy, we went back to the airport to catch our flight back to Trinidad. It was growing dark, but we would be back to the camp soon. It was only a fifteen-minute trip by plane.

"Your flight's been cancelled," the airline attendant told us. "You'll have to catch the flight in the morning." When we asked why, he (she?) said that the runway bulb was out and they didn't have a replacement. There was only one runway and one bulb, but it wasn't safe to try to take off without it. We looked around at the airport--an outdoor cement patio with plastic chairs and tables and a few umbrellas--and wondered what we'd do all night. The attendant then told us that there was a hotel nearby. "You'll have to hurry, though," he/she said, pointing in its direction. "The office closes in fifteen minutes." We started off in the direction he pointed, but then he stopped us. "You can't go that way! That's the runway. You're not allowed on it." The hotel was at the other end of the runway, straight ahead of us. Instead of walking on the defunct runway, though, we had to run around three sides of a cow pasture to get to the hotel.

We arrived at the hotel, panting and out of breath, and asked if they had any vacancies. They did! Pastor Jim whipped out his credit card. "I'm sorry," they said. "We don't take American Express." So everyone dug into their pockets to see what money they had left. Although we didn't meet the original price they told us, T&T is a bartering culture, so we got to stay and have a little money left over. The rooms were gorgeous, two-story air-conditioned suites with real bathrooms and hot water in the showers. They had real windows, so we didn't have to hear buzzing in our ears for the night. It was wonderful.

The pictures here are of Luanne, a girl I became attached to when we held a vacation Bible school at a church close to the camp. I loved her--she was so lively. For some reason, she clung to me, and I was happy about that. Luanne and her twin had just turned eleven. The kids crowding into the picture had never seen a camera before, and really wanted their picture taken. I asked for Luanne's address so I could write to her and send her the pictures, but all of the letters I tried to send her were returned. Apparently, she didn't know her address or had moved by the time the letters arrived. I still think about her sometimes. She'd be twenty-six now, and I wonder what she's doing and what she's like. I wish I knew.

Enough reminiscing for today. Hope you enjoyed my entry. :) It will now remain in cyberspace for who knows how long. Who knows? Maybe I'll even find Luanne.

27.2.07

zzzzzz...

It's Tuesday, thirty-three hours after I turned in my portfolio. I loved the long paper I wrote (and the rhetorical analysis that went with it, but I'm not too thrilled about the short paper. My advisor kind-of took it over last minute and ended up writing half of it. That's what you get when you ask for "help." I thought I'd have a huge feeling of relief when I turned the thing in, but that short paper makes me a little uneasy. I should know if I passed by the end of next week, though (I think).

Anyway. Last night I went to Dana's to watch Heroes with her and Steph. They surprised me with my two favorite beers--Smithwick's and Bell's Oberon. Yummy, but I was so tired I barely finished one Smithwick's. I was extremely tired yesterday (having only slept two and a half hours the night before) but was unable to sleep. So when I got home at 9:30 last night, I crashed. I slept for nine hours and then, after my workout with Dana and then my shower, fell asleep for another hour. And although I may end up going to the movies tonight, I really just feel like crashing and sleeping. Yay! Dana just called and she doesn't want to go either. Off the hook. :)

Hmm. I'm not very coherent tonight, so this blog is just to catch people up rather than be a fun exercise in writing for me. I'm actually going to sleep in tomorrow...don't remember the last time I did that. Going to sleep without setting an alarm--what a novel idea! Oh, for those of you (Rachel and Ryan, and Mike, Al, and Uncle Bruce if you read this, but I don't think anyone except Rachel and Ryan actually do out of that group) that are interested in hiking, I just got the package from Uncle Bruce yesterday. I'll be looking over the hiking stuff and getting in touch with you to nail down dates and a place. There's even a book on hygiene with a guy sitting on a portable toilet (pants down) and looking at the camera and smiling. Quite amusing--if it wasn't copyrighted I would scan it in and post it. But I never actually thought about that part of a multi-day hiking trip.

That's it. Maybe more coherency tomorrow. For now, it's just time for me to catch some zzzzzs.

24.2.07

i'm a brave, foolish soul

We are "enjoying" a wondrous winter storm here this weekend. Last evening, it started hailing. It let up a little, but by the time I got up at 1:00 am, it was raining, thundering, and lightening--a nice, freezing rain. I haven't been able to see through my windows for hours, but I finally finished my third attempt at a first draft of this short portfolio paper (which I am dreading feedback on and will probably get within the hour--he hasn't liked anything else I've done so far, so why should he like this?) and was having a craving. It is a craving I've had since last night and it wasn't curbed by Dana's wonderful chili dinner with cinnamon rolls for dessert. What did I want desperately enough to go out in the inch of slushy not-quite-ice, not-yet-snow on the ground? Better Maid Barbecue Chips.

Of course, I can't get Better Maid Barbecue Chips out here in the middle of nowhere. I knew that, but I was sure I could find a knock-off at the local gas station, just half a mile down the street. I was positive I had seen some there before. Of course, they didn't have any. But I was already out, so I decided to drive another mile to the grocery store. I walked down the aisle two or three times salivating at the thought of eating those chips and in growing fear that I wouldn't be able to find any. I had almost decided to by puffy Cheetos instead (a sad consolation prize) when I finally spotted what I wanted: a bag of plain store-brand barbecue chips, not cruncy, not wavy, not mesquite--just that thin, airy goodness like those Better Maids. I bought those and the Cheetos (hey, I'm still counting calories--I'll just be counting more the next couple of days) and some Van de Kamp's beer battered fish, which is heating up in the oven right now. By the time I got out of the store, big, white fluffy flakes were coming down hard and one hit me square in the eye (behind my glasses, no less). And by the time I got home my jaw was locking up from chowing down on the chips. They're not a bad substitute for Better Maid.

So I know I have SO MUCH to write (on this blog and for my portfolio), but I have very little energy left to write with. Blogging is a break for me, but I'll also take a rest-my-mind break with something from Netflix or an episode of Buffy or La Femme Nikita (I own every episode of Buffy and the first season of La Femme Nikita) and then sleep for an hour or two (probably until Al calls from work) before I get back to work. My goal for this evening is to finish revisions on my long paper. Then, tomorrow, I will tackle revisions on the short paper (I'll have feedback by then), write the rhetorical analyses, and do my final edits. I'm going to allow myself to work out tomorrow, though, since Dana and I didn't get to this morning (weather and work). By tomorrow evening--possibly even this time tomorrow evening--I'll be done with my portfolio exam! FINALLY! I can't wait to turn that thing Monday morning. After this weekend, I don't ever want to see it again. (I know I will, though.)

Finally, I wanted to post something Nikki sent me through email. It's something I always need and can never get through my head. Maybe some day I'll quit being dense enough to actually let it make a difference in my life. I apologize for the long blog, but this is important. I'll pretty it up with a few pictures from last winter (no digital camera, so can't post pics of today) to make up for the length.


You say, "It's impossible"; God says, "All things are possible." Luke 18:27

You say, "I'm too tired"; God says, "I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28-30

You say, "Nobody really loves me"; God says, "I love you." John 3:16 & John 3:34

You say, "I can't go on"; God says, "My grace is sufficient." II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15

You say, "I can't figure things out"; God says, "I will direct your steps." Proverbs 3:5-6

You say, "I can't do it"; God says, "You can do all things." Philippians 4:13

You say, "I'm not able"; God says, "I am able." II Corinthians 9:8

You say, "It's not worth it"; God says, "It will be worth it." Roman 8:28

You say, "I can't forgive myself"; God says, "I Forgive you." I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1

You say, "I can't manage"; God says, "I will supply all your needs." Philippians 4:19

You say, "I'm afraid"; God says, "I have not given you a spirit of fear." II Timothy 1:7

You say, "I'm always worried and frustrated"; God says, "Cast all your cares on ME." I Peter 3:7

You say, "I'm not smart enough"; God says, "I give you wisdom." I Corinthians 1:30

You say, "I feel all alone"; God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

Sounds a lot like me, doesn't it? My God has all of the answers; I just need to start trusting him. Until tomorrow--

rhondalorraine

23.2.07

just a quick note...

I got four and a half hours of sleep last night and am feeling much better than I was at the time of my last post. I have been up since 2:00 am working on my long paper revisions, which I hope to send to Dr. R by 2:00 pm at the latest (we have a meeting at 4:00). Then I will work on the two pages (minimum) of the short paper that I need to send to my advisor today. I actually hope to get a complete draft finished and sent to him, but I'm not going to kill myself in order to do it.

More later...

22.2.07

i need help

I am trying so, so hard not to freak out. I didn't get anywhere with my portfolio papers today, and I'm still trying and still unable to get anywhere. I've had this block--this fear and anxiety--all day and the later it gets, the worse it gets. And the worst thing is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it who really understands what I'm going through. I'm tired and just want to sleep and relax but I can't...this is really wearing on me. I don't know what to do.

My advisor would say, "Freaking out is not a rhetorical response to the situation. You don't have time for a block. You just have to do it." But guess what? My emotions aren't rhetorical, and I am an extremely emotional person. This is getting to be too much and I'm afraid I'm going to break. I wish someone could help me, but I know there's nothing anyone can do. What can I do? How am I going to get through this? Can someone save me from this weekend and just let this nightmare be over???

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

wet suits and climbing gear

I forgot. I forgot that I needed all that stuff for August. I had remembered some of the stuff, but--

In my dream, I was both attending a semi-meeting about an upcoming trip I was going to take. It wasn't quite clear what type of trip it was, but it was clear that it was not purely for pleasure. Some rescue mission? It didn't feel quite like a church missions trip, which I've been on before. But let's get back to the dream.

As I remembered what I had to take, I was no longer in the meeting, but I could see myself, along with a large group of people, actually performing the tasks that would be required of us. I needed a wet suit and water shoes, because we would be rafting (boating? my memory isn't quite clear) down a deep gorge--beautiful, but deep, with fast, white water. This was the part I had forgotten--that going down this river was the only passage to get to where we were going. Since I'd have to carry everything with me, I'd also need a lightweight, waterproof backpack. The part I had vaguely remembered was the climbing.

When we got to our destination in the river--a section in the gorge where the cliff faces were unbelievably steep--we would bank our rafts (canoes?) and get out our climbing equipment. In waking, I can't remember what I needed to prepare for climbing this cliff, but in the dream, it was the one thing that I did have. In order to get to our destination, we would have to climb this cliff face. I could see myself preparing to climb it, see others of our group (which, for some reason, had grown smaller) already climbing or milling around on the bottom with me. As my mind returned to the meeting at hand, I thought, "Well, at least I've been working out. But my shoulders and arms may need a lot more work before I can climb that cliff."

In a different scene, my mom (who, in waking, I realize looks nothing like my real mom) takes me shopping to prepare for the trip. She is complaining the entire time that she doesn't understand why I like to read so much. The only reason she agreed to get me the four books we are purchasing is that I am out of things to read. I plan on taking these on my trip, but worry a little that they might be too heavy to take rafting and climbing.

I've had this dream before, all but the last scene. It's a beautiful, exhilirating dream to have. The scenery at the place where I'm heading is gorgeous--like the rain forests in Trinidad & Tobago, but a little less green. That makes sense, since all I am looking at are a raging river and cliff faces.

I actually think some dreams have meaning, while others are just--dreams. I'm sure someone else would probably think it meant that the task I'm facing--getting my portfolio done by noon on Monday (which means I have to have it done on Sunday so I can work out Monday morning)--is an insurmountable task. But I don't think it has anything to do with that, because this didn't seem impossible or incredibly taxing in my dream. It was something I was excited about, looking forward to, and certain I could do. I don't really think it meant a thing, but it was such a cool dream that I just wanted to share it.

P.S. The meeting with my advisor went well yesterday. I didn't have a full draft for him, but he loved my ideas for the short paper. He only wants two pages by tomorrow; I am going to try to finish an entire draft today. I don't see any other time I could do it unless I spend all day Saturday freaking out on it. Therefore, I cancelled my office hours and am not planning on attending the class I'm taking. That way all I'll have to do is teach from 2:00 - 5:00 and will be able to get a lot done. Alright. Guess it's time to start my day.

21.2.07

what dreams may come

I had to sleep for an hour and a half because I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. During the first half hour (because that's when I wanted to get up--after half an hour), I had a dream that was more along the terms of a nightmare.

I was sitting in a classroom at one of the student desks, along with several other students. One of them was my office-mate. While our professor, Dr. M., was talking, she whispered, "Here, we're supposed to pass this around," and handed something to me. It was my portfolio paper, and there were Dr. M.'s hand-written critiques written all over it. I wondered how she had gotten it--why Dr. M. had apparently given it to her--and why on earth we were passing it around. These things were supposed to be submitted confidentially, without your name on them, so that each person received a fair judgment from the committee responsible for passing or failing us. However, all of my fellow students were about to see a draft of my portfolio with my name on it before I submitted it, increasing the chances that someone on the committee would hear about it.

As I held the draft and wondered what to do (should I really pass my own paper around?), I was nudged by someone else in the room. Everyone was quiet and looking at me with expectancy. What had I missed? "Get up there," someone hissed. Apparently, Dr. M. had just announced that I was going to discuss this paper (the one that I still held clutched in my hands) with the class. I started panicking, leafing through the draft and trying to read every comment as I half-stood, half-stooped and slumped my way to the front of the classroom. Why hadn't he prepared me for this? He hadn't told me he'd be requesting that I'd make a professional presentation to the class on my portfolio subject! I wasn't ready for this, and as I reached the front of the class and turned around, I...

My alarm went off. I had to sleep some more, so made another attempt to only sleep an additional half an hour. I finally got up after an hour and a half, and as I write this, my eyes are still heavy and threatening to close. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this--write my third short paper--by noon, when I have to meet with Dr. M. I'm just hoping I can stay awake until then and then sleep for an hour or two after the meeting. Ugh. I'm tired.

20.2.07

all i really want

All I really want to do right now: go to bed or watch a movie (preferably, at the movie theater with a large popcorn full of that really-bad-for-me movie theater butter).

All I really can do right now: eat dinner, perhaps take a short nap (but that's dangerous), and...start writing my third attempt at this short paper. I just hope I get some sleep tonight. I have a meeting at noon tomorrow with my advisor, and have to have a draft by then. Perhaps I'll sleep for an hour or two after the meeting and before my class (which I haven't done the reading for, of course).

Okay, off to eat...

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary

-Excerpt from Alanis Morissette's All I Really Want

19.2.07

panicking

My relief lasted exactly three hours and forty-five minutes. My advisor threw my short paper out and now I'm back to the beginning again. I don't have time for this, don't know what I'm going to use, and I'm about ready to lose it. I don't know if I even want this anymore.

(breathe)

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

-Anna Nalick, 2 am

At noon today, I finished my first draft of my short portfolio piece and sent it off to my advisor and a friend that agreed to review it. And for the last hour and twenty minutes, I've felt such a weight off of my shoulders. I know I'm not done yet--I'll have to revise it, and I have to revise my long paper and meet with Dr. R again on Friday, and I have to write the rhetorical analyses. But for now, I'm just taking time to breathe. And it feels so good.

Only one week to go (minus one hour and twenty minutes, since it's due at noon next week). I can make it. And right now, it seems like I just may be able to do it without killing myself over it (or losing too much sleep).

Aah.

18.2.07

links (or, my cyber-life)

I know I don't post many links in my individual blogs. In fact, I treat my blog more like a digital diary than anything else; I personally find the political commentary blogs were designed for in the first place a little boring. And I just need a writing outlet that is non-academic (and I will get to my academic writing as soon as I am done with this post) to relieve my mind. I actually enjoy this type of writing, but if all I do is the academic kind--well, I'm likely to stop writing forever.


Today I thought I'd give you a word about the links located to the right side of my blogs (under my archives). What are they doing there? Why do I have them? Because being 600 miles away from home and only sitting in your living room working 12+ hours a day makes one lonely for outside world contact. So I browse blogs. And I share what I find.


First, we have my friends' blogs. Ado upward, I'll have to admit, isn't updated much. Err, ever. A friend from back home (who shall remain nameless, since she didn't post it herself on her blog) said she got "inspired" by me and was going to start her own blog. Who knows? Maybe it's the kids, the husband, the job, and the running combined that take away her time to blog, but we can see just how "inspiring" I am. :) Camp festivus is a blog about an annual weekend-long camping trip/festivus celebration I attend. You have to be a MySpace member to look at this one, and... uh... it's run by a couple of crazies. It goes in spurts, and is mostly designed to hype people up to celebrate festivus with opportunities to air grievances and suggest feats of strength (one of which is pictured here--my sister pole vaulting using the very unflexible official festivus pole). If you're a Seinfeld fan, this will sound very familiar; if you're not, watch the little clip on the Festivus MySpace page. You'll see what I mean. Last, but not least, is Waiting for Magic, which is my friend Dana's blog. When I moved here a year and a half ago to go to grad school, I met Dana. I thought she didn't like me until we started talking at a Halloween party and discovered that we're (we were) both huge Alias fans. It's been friendship ever since, and I'm going to miss her dearly and tragically when she graduates with her MA this spring and moves back to Colorado. The second pic in this post is of me and Dana from last summer.


The next group of links is to blogs I've found browsing. I browse around, and if I find one I like, I link to it. Antarctica is one I found today, and I wish I'd found it earlier. It's this cool blog from an artist/writer that got a grant from the National Science Foundation to take a trip to...Antarctica! (duh) He's already back from the trip, but I want to browse the archives and his last post mentions that he will probably post here and there about the stuff he gathered. Blogs of Note is the way I find a lot of these blogs--they're the ones the Blogger guys like, although you have to wade through a lot of political stuff and computer stuff to find the good ones (well, what I consider the good ones, anyway). Earthshine is a blog by some professor in Georgia. It interested me because (a) he has some stuff on new media, which I might start getting into; (b) he's only five years older than me and way ahead of me in the game; and (c) he's into photography and has some cool pics. Depending on what shows up here, this may or may not last on my list long--just thought it would be nice to keep around for a while. The Wikipedia Knowledge Dump is for fun. I make (err, ask) my students write and post articles for Wikipedia, and they don't always stay up. I gave my students a post to this on our class management system (CMS/website). It might be kind-of funny if they appeal to this site when their articles get threatened. Last, but certainly not least, is willettephoto. This guy is a great photographer who lives in Chicago, and he posts fairly often.


So there you have it. A list of my links and the reasons they're there. And, as far as blogs go, I think I've met my quota of links for the month--don't you? :)

17.2.07

everything takes longer than you think

I have been in a better mood for most of the day today, but still didn't get my short paper done. In fact, I didn't even get the writing started--I have been researching all day.

There is some good news to this; I found a paper that I'm going to use instead of the one I was going to have to do (which would have really been an entirely new paper instead of a revised one). I just need more resources than I already have, and I need to sound a little less biased and a little less passionate. Balance; use evidence; blah blah blah. I have been up since 3:00 am, and I'm tired. Going to bed and getting up early again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I can have it written by noon. I hope so, b/c now I also have to revise my long draft so I can get a copy to my advisor by Monday.

Only eight more days of this living nightmare...

16.2.07

no. matter. what. gone down in flames

I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Just got out of my meeting w/ Dr. R. He had a lot of good stuff to say but it is clear that I have several more hours of work to put into my long draft. As soon as he left the room, I started sobbing. I am too tired for this.

I have been tired and groggy all day and have not worked on my short paper, which I still hope to get done by noon tomorrow. I am going to sleep and getting up again in 5-6 hours. I am even turning the volume down on my phone and resorting to some of the meds I have left from Dr. McMullen. I hope to be in a better state of mind (one in which I am able to write) by the time I wake up.

I will also be working on Sunday. No rest for the weary.

let them eat cake!

I didn't want a wedding cake. I don't eat the stuff. When we had first talked about the wedding, Al agreed that we didn't need one. And then he forgot he agreed. And wanted one. So we're getting cake. (Happy, Kim? I know you were disappointed with that one. :) )

This whole idea of him wanting cake has just been a hassle for me. I decided to go with Ryan & Rachel's cake people, Back Home Bakery, because Al said he liked the cake at their wedding. But they don't do things like ordinary bakeries where you make an appointment, taste cake, choose one, then put down a deposit and (possibly) discuss the way it's going to look. No. They decided to make it "convenient" for you. You pick some types of cake you want to eat; they make cupcakes; you pick them up, bring them home, and taste them at your "convenience"; you go back to the bakery, tell them your flavor, and put down a deposit. Who knows when you discuss what the thing is actually going to look like. And all of this "convenience" isn't really a convenience for someone who lives out of state and can only be there every so often. I know I'm sounding bitter right now (tired and really needing to start work on that short paper so I'm not up all night--again). But it gets better.

We ended up getting our cupcakes and eating them in the hotel the weekend of Dennis and Cathy's wedding. We had no other time to do it. I hoped to set up an appointment with them the next time I was in town--for Beth's birthday--but ended up not being able to do so. I partially didn't want to, because I thought, Hey, if I have to have cake at my wedding, I might as well have angel food cake in addition to a wedding cake, since angel food is really the only kind I like. But every time I talked to the woman and mentioned that possibility, she became utterly confused. She thought I wanted angel food cake as the wedding cake (no matter how many times I told her I just wanted it on the side, as a separate cake) and ended up giving us an angel food cake cupcake with dulce frosting on it. !!??? Who ever heard of frosting on angel food cake? I didn't want to deal with that again. Really, how hard can it be to understand that I want my own, separate cake at the wedding? Anyway, I asked Al to go in there earlier this week and put a deposit down on a small, two-tier cake, which he did. Because I finally realized (duh) that the cake Al actually ate at Ryan & Rachel's wedding was from Costco. We're going to end up getting the majority of the cake from there.

So that's how it ended up. Al went to the bakery on Tuesday and told her we want a cake that will feed 20-30 people and ended up putting down a $25 deposit (the cake will only cost about $80). He couldn't remember what flavor he wanted (chocolate with fudge filling and buttercream frosting), which just shows how bad his memory is--he tasted the cake, I reminded him of the flavors, and (duh) he always tells me he only likes chocolate cake. He has to call them back to tell them the flavor. And I have to sometime, somehow, figure out what kind of cake to get from Costco and how to order it. (Help, Rachel!) I want to decide on the invitations before I even attempt to figure out what the cake will look like. And I have given up on having angel food cake at my wedding. I just won't eat any of the wedding cake. Let the rest of them eat cake!


The pic: Ryan & Rachel, since I mention them so many times in this post. Hi, guys!

15.2.07

smorgasboard

It's -6 degrees with a -17 degree windchill. I knew it was cold when I could actually feel my nose hairs, but all of my exposed skin was numb and my fingers were stinging inside leather gloves.

***
Yesterday I was up for a total of 22.5 hours. I spent approximately 19.5 of those hours working on the long paper for my portfolio. I got five hours of sleep last night, walked on the treadmill this morning, went to class, taught, and worked on my long portfolio every spare minute. I left school tonight at 9:15-ish, a printed draft in my advisor's mailbox and emailed drafts in his and three other people's inboxes. I am still unsatisfied with the conclusion, and I'm not even sure I have a cohesive argument. (I think I've been working on it too long.) I am both hoping that my drafted reviewers will praise it and find little that needs revisions and dreading that they will think it is awful and I have to completely redraft (rewrite) it again. I am tempted to let myself fail if it they indicate the latter (just kidding--kind-of).

***
Tomorrow I need to write my "short" portfolio paper. First I need to gather sources. I hope to have a very polished draft of this to my advisor and a friend by noon on Friday. Knowing the way I write academic prose (very slowly and deliberately), this will require another 22+ hour day and I still probably won't get it to them until late Saturday night. However, I am going to do my best to make my noon deadline. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I can sleep for hours and hours on end.

***
I'm planning on taking Sunday off. Staying in bed and watching movies. Perhaps using the elliptical machine for half an hour. Not touching homework. No. Matter. What. Unless I'm not done with that short paper.

***
My mind spinning out of control. Have to write the rhetorical analyses...when? Will my advisor look them over? Meeting with Dr. R tomorrow re: long paper...how much more work will he give me? Have to get back on my email tomorrow morning to retrieve my students' homework. Promised them I'd give them comments on Monday. When will I work on further portfolio revisions? On reading for Carl's class? Dorothy's class?

***
My cat won't stop yelling at me. She is a very loud, vocal cat. Usually I don't mind, but tonight I am very tired and it is very annoying.
***
Missed The Office today. Didn't have time for that twenty minutes of humour, and wasn't home yet anyway.

***
What was I going to write? It slipped my mind and seemed important...
Oh,
well.
Going
to
bed. (If I can stop my mind from racing.)

14.2.07

thank God for small miracles

If you've been reading my blogs, you know I am under a time crunch to get my portfolio done, the first of two major "exams" I need to take as a PhD student. It's due at noon on February 26, and it's a crucial exam: if I don't pass, I don't continue. I've also been having mental blocks getting through it, which don't help in the least. Narrative or editorial-type writing I can do with ease; academic writing, specifically within the field of rhetoric, is another story altogether.

I'm not sure if I've explained the portfolio exam before or not, and don't feel like checking, so here goes: I have to "revise" (rewrite) two papers I did in my classes, one long (10-20 double-spaced pages) and one short (shorter than our long one). I also have to write rhetorical analyses of these papers, explaining how I came up with the topics and how and why I revised them (duh, because you told me to--of course, I can't say that; it's the "fake rhetorical situation" I do my best to avoid putting my own students in). That's it. Hmph. (You try it.)

Tomorrow is a small, but important, deadline in the milieu of my portfolio exam: I promised my advisor he would have a draft of my long paper--one that I know he is hoping is fairly polished, well-thought-out, and near to completion. Ideally, I should be able to give him a copy of my short paper, too. Although I'm very doubtful that the latter is going to happen, I'm very optimistic about the possibility of delivering the long one into his hands, especially after the small miracle God gave me today (which I by no means deserve).

When my alarm went off at 2:00 am and I hopped out of bed to start working on the portfolio, I said a short prayer to God: God, I know I don't deserve this, and I probably don't have any right to be asking you anything right now. But I need your help. I need to concentrate, and I need to get this paper done. Will you help me? I got a little sidetracked with student emails, but since 3:00 am-ish I have working on the long paper. At 4:00 pm, I brushed my teeth and decided to see if a student who had been planning on dropping by my afternoon office hours had emailed me. I was hoping to cancel my office hours so I could get a little more done before attending class tonight from 6:00 - 9:00. I didn't have an email from my student, but lo and behold--an email from Carl, my professor, cancelling class. Thank God for small miracles.

I emailed my student to tell him I won't be at my office (I don't have his phone number) and am about to run out to grab a calorie-laden bite to eat (hey, I've been averaging well below my calorie-count goal this week). But I just wanted to offer this small thank you and send up another quick prayer in response: God, please give me the energy, stamina, and concentration to use this extra time you've given me wisely. I still need your help--knowing me, it's impossible to do on my own!

13.2.07

happy birthday, sadie

Today would have been Sadie's seventh birthday if she had made it this far. Well, to tell the truth, it would have been two days before her seventh birthday, but after she died I pulled out her paperwork and discovered that I had been celebrating her birthday on the wrong day every year (better early than never, I guess). Some of you may be thinking it's ridiculous for me to still be wishing my dog happy birthday after she has been dead for (almost) two years. (Others may be thinking, Oh! Sadie was a dog!) But Sadie meant more to me than I could ever express--she was the best dog in the world, and I almost feel bad for the puppy we're planning on getting next year when I get to move home permanently (she's got a big reputation to live up to!). And honestly? I don't care if people think I'm crazy or not. Sadie was a good dog and deserves to be remembered.

So happy birthday, Sadie. I miss you and wish you were here.

February 15, 2000 - April 6, 2005

12.2.07

the great outdoors

Yippee!

Last fall, my nature-loving, retired forester uncle and I were talking about taking a hiking trip this summer. I talked Al into going, and then I talked to my dad, who seemed interested, and my cousin's husband Mike, who was definitely interested. I sent out an email asking when everyone might be available and for ideas about where we might go...and then the idea seemed to die. No one responded. Until today.

Uncle Bruce emailed me, saying he needed my address to send me info on places and hiking in general. We'll probably start with a short 2-3 day hike since me, Al, and Mike at least--and perhaps my dad--have never been on an overnight hiking trip. Bruce also said that between July 15 and August 12 is best for him, so I sent an email out today asking when people would be available. This really excites me and just gives me more incentive--beyond my wedding--for getting into/staying in shape. Let's hope we can actually set this trip up--I'd like to eventually work up to a week-long trip to Isle Royale!

Just for fun, I've included a pic of some very tame hiking from this past summer. It's at "Lost Lake," which I put in quotations because it really isn't a lake at all--it's a river.

11.2.07

voices in the dark

I now understand why, when I say "I talk during movies," people have such a strong negative reaction. It's because they're thinking of the talkers, of the teenagers that just use the opportunity of being in the dark to drool on each others' faces, play stupid pranks on each other, and have meaningless conversations instead of actually watching the movie. When I say I talk during movies, that is not to say I am not cognizant of the people around me; rather, I consciously try my best not to be disruptive. And I don't carry on conversations, either. I guess it would be more concise to say I talk to the movies, that I direct my comments toward the screen rather than necessarily wanting to be heard by my companions. I interact with the movie itself because I am so caught up in the story. And I do so as quietly as possible. That is what I mean when I say I talk during movies.

What brought on this bout of self-reflection? A bad experience at the movies, of course. "Bad" is an understatement, at best. Yesterday I took the day off (which I am trying not to regret at the moment, just as I am trying not to regret taking the ten-fifteen minutes it will take me to write this blog) and decided that I wanted to see what is quickly becoming my new all-time favorite movie, The Holiday (I can't quite bring myself to say it replaces my favorite movie yet, Back to the Future, because I've seen that one literally hundreds of times). This was (I am almost ashamed to admit) my fifth time seeing it at the theater. It's at the dollar show now (which is in reality the $1.50 show), and the theater that shows dollar shows is in the one and only local mall. (I believe the next closest one is 20-30 miles away.) I should have been thinking a little bit more: Dollar show + mall + cold Saturday afternoon = a bunch of bratty teenagers with nothing better to do, whose parents drop them off at the mall for (most likely) relief from having them in the house. The parents probably think, At least I know what they're doing and where they are. How much trouble can they get into at the mall?

Wrong.

I noticed as I was standing in the long line for tickets that I could have just walked straight into the theater and watched any movie I wished. There wasn't an usher actually checking the tickets and letting you in. But being the honest person that I am, I stood in that long line and waited. I had been there five minutes early, thinking the line wouldn't be long, and ended up entering the movie fifteen minutes late. This didn't bother me since I had seen it so many times and did not want to see that stupid Premonition trailer one more time (I swear I will never, ever, ever see that movie as long as I live. It looks horrible and I'm sick of seeing the trailer.) But when I sat down near the front--the only seats still available where I wouldn't be walking in front of anyone or blocking anyone's view--I realized that I was sitting behind a bunch of teenagers--thirteen or fourteenish--that had been goofing around outside of the theater when I went in to get my tickets. They hadn't stood in line, I was sure. They just walked in without paying. Fine. What did I care? I was going to watch my movie.

Immediately, though, I was regretting my choice of seats. They wouldn't stop moving or talking to each other. One kept knocking off the other guys' hats, and then would run from one row to the other, switching seats every five to ten minutes. They were texting people on their cell phones, and I'm betting they didn't even know what the movie was about after being in the theater for half an hour. What was more, this theater didn't completely dim the lights when the movie started, so I (we) was sitting directly under a light, which made it easier to see what they were doing and be distracted by it. When I realized that I had missed one of my favorite scenes in the movie because one of them was being so disruptive that I was watching him, I decided to wait until a part of the movie I didn't care about, go to the restroom, come back, and sit on the other side of the theater. Which I did.

Didn't help. Now the kids were directly opposite me and seemed even louder than they had before. Was it the difference in acoustics, or was it that they were actually louder? Probably the latter. Whatever the case, I breathed a sigh of relief when, apparently bored with the movie (since they didn't know what it was about to begin with), they left. But twenty minutes before the movie ended, a group of even younger teenagers/pre-teens came in and vacated the seats the previous group had left empty. This group was talking very loudly and when someone "shh'd" them, one of the smart-ass kids fake-coughed "shut up" right back. With both groups, I seriously thought of going and getting management to kick them out of the theater, but I didn't for three reasons: (1) I would miss even more of my movie; (2) doing so would be even more disruptive than the kids had been, even if the disruption only lasted a few mintues; and (3) there probably wasn't any management in the theater. The only people working were late teens/early twenties, and there were only three to four of them at most. That is the same reason I didn't complain afterward--what good would it do? These kids were doing their jobs and couldn't really stop what was going on because the theater wasn't willing to shell out the dough to pay an usher to make sure no one was sneaking in.

Anyway, my experience was ruined and I will probably never go to that theater again, at least when kids are out of school. I imagine it was like being a stranger in a theater with Dennis, Ethie, Log, and 7&7.

10.2.07

silence

I remember when caller id was new. My roommate had an answering machine and we would get hang-ups on it all the time, and I had an obsession with finding out who was making all of these calls and not leaving messages. I would imagine that those missed calls were from my friends who wanted to do "stuff" at that very moment and ended up not leaving messages because I wasn't there. In my thinking, that lead to me missing out on so much--on opportunities to connect with/hang out with/be with other people. I got a phone with caller id to remedy this problem. Instead, the caller id killed my imagination, my hope. All of those calls ended up being telemarketers.

Now that I'm living so far from my fiance, family, and most of my friends, I'm starting to feel that way again; only this time, it's a more advanced version of the hang-ups on the answering machine. I have a cell phone and most of my calls are from Alan or Dana. I have email; most of my emails are chain-mail forwarded by various friends, group emails not directed toward me only, ads from various marketers (the electronic telemarketers), or short notes from Alan when he's bored at work. I have an account on an internet community that shall remain unnamed but you can probably guess; lately, the motivation to get on it isn't that strong since I'm usually (a) disappointed in the silence (lack of messages and comments from my friends) and (b) unwilling to take the time to wait for the pages to load since it's getting so bogged down with users. I think I may stay off it forever; silence is too lonely. It's too heartbreaking to know that people other than mom, Rachel, Alan, and Dana aren't thinking of me more often than they do.

9.2.07

dreams of warmer places


6.2.07

(exhausted)

Update on "down":

Not done with either paper. I have done a lot of research on both of them, and started rewriting my portfolio paper. I only had two hours of sleep last night because I was working on it. Had a meeting with my advisor, we made a plan: I will meet with Dr. R on Friday at 4:00 (I rescheduled my original meeting), go over my completed draft (which I will have worked on all day Friday) and then don't touch it again until Monday. He wants me to take a break from it--thinks (from looking at me) that I'm stressing myself out too much over it. I send it to him by that Thursday, he will look it over, send it back the following Monday, and I will have a week to work on it. In the meantime, I will also have two of my friends look it over for me. By noon on February 26, this portfolio nightmare will be over.

Now I just have to figure out when to work on that book chapter, which is late, but they seem pretty flexible. And if they're not...I'm tired enough not to care at this point. Tonight is just rest time before I get up early tomorrow to read lots of ethnographic stuff. Thanks to all who prayed, and I could still use it the next few weeks.

5.2.07

i'm melting!

Yes, it's true. I'm melting. Not to worry, though. I'm not going to disappear anytime soon like the Wicked Witch of the West. My melting is taking place very slowly. But it is taking place, which is the good news.

It's been four weeks since I started making a conscious effort to get in shape and lose weight. Since January 8, I've been keeping a record of what I'm doing and trying to keep a record of the number of calories I'm eating so that I can figure out what's working and what I need to do better. When I started, I weighed 200 pounds. (Yep, I'm a big girl.) But before I give you my results, I'll tell you what I've been doing. Depending on your interests, this may tie for the MOST BORING BLOG EVER award:

January 8-14

  • Monday: Walked/jogged 5k on treadmill (46 minutes, 52 seconds). Burned 390 calories. Ate 1402 calories.
  • Tuesday: Hiked 1.96 miles on treadmill (30 minutes). Burned 262 calories. Ate 1533 calories.
  • Wednesday: Didn't exercise. Ate 1395 calories.
  • Thursday: Walked/jogged 2.52 miles on treadmill (39 minutes). Burned 311 calories. Ate 1260 calories.
  • Friday: Lifted weights for 40 minutes. Didn't count calories.
  • Saturday & Sunday: Didn't exercise or count calories.

January 15-21

  • Monday: Didn't exercise or count calories.
  • Tuesday: Hiked 2.01 miles on treadmill (36 minutes). Burned 282 calories. Ate 1928 calories.
  • Wednesday: Didn't exercise. Ate 1600 calories.
  • Thursday: Walked/jogged 2.5 miles on treadmill (38 minutes, 27 seconds). Burned 299 calories. Ate 1730 calories.
  • Friday: Lifted weights 45 minutes, walked around track 10 minutes. Ate 1494 calories.
  • Saturday & Sunday: Didn't exercise or count calories.

January 22-28

  • Monday: Didn't exercise or count calories.
  • Tuesday: Hiked 1.49 miles on treadmill (30 minutes). Burned 218 calories. Didn't count calories.
  • Wednesday: Didn't exercise or count calories.
  • Thursday: Walked/jogged 5k on treadmill (48 minutes, 33 seconds). Burned 371 calories. Didn't count calories.
  • Friday: Lifted weights 40 minutes, walked around track 10 minutes. Didn't count calories.
  • Saturday & Sunday: Didn't exercise or count calories.

January 29-February 4

  • Monday: Didn't exercise or count calories.
  • Tuesday: Walked/jogged 5k on treadmill (45 minutes 31 seconds). Burned 394 calories. Didn't count calories.
  • Wednesday: Didn't exercise or count calories.
  • Thursday: Walked 2 miles on treadmill (34 minutes). Burned 222 calories. Didn't count calories.
  • Friday: Lifted weights 45 minutes, walked around track 15 minutes. Didn't count calories.
  • Saturday & Sunday: Didn't exercise or count calories.

That's my log; now here are my results: I have lost five full pounds and now weigh 195. This probably would have discouraged me in the past, but I'm feeling better about myself lately and seeing teensy results--my waist line is very pronounced (although the middle section of my stomach doesn't seem to notice) and I'm starting to see tiny hollows in my cheeks again instead of having a huge, round face. Sometimes I even think I'm starting to see muscles.

I do want to step up the weight loss, so I've decided to make two goals for the next four weeks: First, Dana and I have committed to doing weights on Mondays as well as Fridays, and I'd like to add another cardio day every week as well. That day will be on the weekends--Dana is so good to me and has asked if I would like to do that as well, since she knows that I need motivation (in the form of obligation) to actually do it. Second, I want to count calories for 21 days straight, whether I do a good job at keeping them low or not. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit, so I'd like it to become a habit; besides, I tend to eat less when I actually see how many calories I'm consuming. So look for another boring update in another four weeks--hopefully, we'll both see even better results!

P.S. If you're worried about me taking time out of my precious twelve hours left until I show up with a draft of my portfolio piece at my prof's office--and probably not getting that book chapter in today (at least in a form any different from what it was when I graduated my master's program)--you don't have to worry. I wrote this last Friday and just waited to weigh myself until this morning. It only took a few minutes to update--a few minutes I desperately needed away from Vygotsky, Leont'ev, Engestrom, and Russell and their theories of activity (by the way--Russell happens to be the prof I'm meeting with this evening). But I will take an hour and a half to lift weights (and walk, and drive there)!

3.2.07

down

It just hit me today. This...down-ness, this depression. Not a good weekend to hit since I have two very important papers to finish--the first draft of a book chapter that I'm writing (and that, hopefully, will be published someday if the editors can find a publisher) and a close-to-final draft of my second attempt at the portfolio exam for my PhD program. I worked on them for about five or six hours today, but I'm feeling physically and emotionally crappy. I know; not the most artistic choice of words, but it works.

I miss my family and friends. I miss my fiance most of all. I miss being home, and I miss being able to be a part of my family members' and friends' and fiance's lives. I miss the trees. I miss all types of landscape besides flat, empty fields.

I don't like the pressure of grad school, and I don't like the fear that builds up inside me and tells me that I won't make it, that I can't make it, that I'm just faking it and they'll find out and I'm not cut out for this and what was I thinking? I don't like the politics and the falling-apartness that is my school right now. And although people who know what they're doing tell me that, despite my fears, I am good enough and I can make it and I will make it, I am even afraid to believe them because I'm not sure anymore that I even want this. Right now I just wish I was home, planning my wedding, getting married, and starting a family. Who cares what I do for work? But I do care, despite my fears. It's just taking a lot out of me to get there.

The problem with being (or wanting to be) an academic in an English, or perhaps soon-to-be just Rhetoric and Professional Communication/Linguistics department is that you have to have a clear head and you have to be able to concentrate because you have to be able to write. And when your head isn't clear, when you can't concentrate, when you're down, it's hard to be able to do your job. And that's my problem now. The fear is blocking me, the physical ickyness is blocking me, the down-ness is blocking me. I need an unblocking very quickly, because I have deadlines. So if you read this and you pray, please pray for me. I'm going to bed soon and getting up early, and hopefully I'll be able to work in the morning.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs from Les Miserables, one that's playing on my iTunes right now (just by chance): On My Own. But before that, I do need to say that I do have things to be thankful for: the opportunity to be here, which so many people don't get; all of the people that love and miss me too; and the fact that, although I am several hundred miles away from my heart, I'm not really on my own.

And now I’m all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he’s here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I’m happy
With the company I’m keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he’s beside me
All aloneI walk with him ’til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there’s a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river’s just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I’m lonely
All my life I’ve only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him…
But only on my own

baby, it's cold outside

Flipping through the channels on my lunch break from working: temperature is -1 degree; windchill is -24 degrees. Can I just say that I hate cold weather?

2.2.07

sparky

My cat, Serena (aka Sena), would have been more aptly named Sparky this past week and a half.

No, I didn't find out that she is a he. She's been around thirteen years this April and I had her fixed quite a while ago. And she hasn't been acting like a yippy little dog named Sparky, either. But every time I've touched her, we've both been sparked. It's dry, dry, dry here in my college town, and being 10 degrees with a -8 degree wind chill isn't helping matters.

Ahh, but it is Rhonda to the rescue again, although this rescue attempt makes me feel somewhat old. I had the bright idea to buy a humidifier. So, for $28.89 + tax at my local Target (that's French, you know), I have solved this latest animal dilemma. It's been plugged in (and running) for about three hours now, and--voila! (also French--or maybe Italian)--no more Sparky. As for the old thing--how many young people do you know that go around buying humidifiers??? And as a bonus I've included a pic of my adorable fat cat.

time out for the movies

Last night I took time out of my busy life to see a 10:10 showing of Catch & Release starring Jennifer Garner and, um, what's that hot guy's name? The one Stephanie thinks is skeezy? Oh, yeah. Timothy Olyphant. And Kevin Smith, for all of you Kevin Smith fans. He's definitely not silent in this movie, but he is hilarious.

My opinion? Good chic flick. I'm sure I'll rent it when it comes out, and I may even buy the dvd used from Netflix or a video store. I'm a huge Alias fan and I loved 13 Going on 30, but other than that, I wouldn't call myself a Jennifer Garner fan (sorry, Jennifer; it's the whole Ben thing). I really did like it, but I think I was a teensy bit disappointed. Possibly because the last chic flick I saw was one that I absolutely loved and adored and went to the theater four times to see (I've never done that before; it was The Holiday). After you love a movie that much, other movies are bound to be a little bit of a let-down. Here's the true and honest rating scale: mom wouldn't like it because of the sex scenes, but it does leave the romatically-minded type of girl who doesn't like to think too much in her movies with a happy-feel-good feeling. So that's that.

There are (finally) two other movies that I'd like to catch when I'm done with my papers (which I am starting to work on as soon as I finish this post, I promise): Pan's Labyrinth and Because I Said So. Maybe if I see them I'll write about them. Until next time...

Current Netflix at home:
Sliders Season 3 Disc 5
Songcatcher
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Sidewalks of New York