not yet, anyway...and sarah

The good news: Mom's still alive. She still isn't eating, has stopped taking all meds except her pain pills, and sleeps most of the time, but she's still alive. Sometimes I wonder if that is actually "good" news, since I can't fathom having an existence like she has now, but it is good news to those who love her and are having a hard time with the idea of letting go. I still think it will be soon, but how soon is anybody's guess.

Other mom news? Instead of having the hospital bed in a seated position as she's had for months, mom barely inclines her head these days since she keeps sliding down and slumping in the bed. She doesn't have the strength to hold herself upright, and even when she tries to hold onto something (a glass of water or the control to move the bed, for example), she shakes uncontrollably. She's still cognizant, but barely speaks; she's taken to shaking or nodding her head when a response is required. Last night was my first night back after a long weekend (dad took Friday and Monday off) and she was unresponsive, for the most part. Not that she didn't know what was going on or couldn't respond--just that she didn't. Dad and I were cleaning her up and she just laid there with her eyes closed, crossing her arms when we told her we were rolling her and shaking her head when I asked her a question, but otherwise silent and still. It's this that makes me think (once again) that she could go anytime now--she's checking out mentally, and I think she's doing it on purpose. I can't blame her, either.

Mom has also "forbidden" any visitors except "relatives," which, luckily for them, includes the family she was a nanny for for several years. This is partially because she has a hard time speaking (the tumors effect her esophagus, in turn making her gag and vomit frequently, and speaking often triggers it). I think it's also because she just doesn't want people to see her this way, although she doesn't say so. It is hard seeing her like this: she's lost a lot of weight and most of her hair, and her skin is loose, dry, and wrinkly like someone much older--it reminds me of my grandparents (they were in their 80s or 90s when they died). With all that's going on, I didn't think things could get much worse. Honestly, they haven't for me personally, but I got some news the other day that made me cry instantly and has weighed on my mind since. The news requires a lot of prayer and is just heartbreaking.

The bad news: When I went over to watch mom so dad could go to church on Sunday, dad and mom passed the bad news on. My friend from high school, Sarah, was diagnosed last Tuesday with pancreatic cancer. It's in her liver and they are waiting for results to find out if it's in her lungs. Sarah is my age (34) and has a husband and three children, all girls. While she and I weren't close in high school, we were in the same little clique in junior high and she contacted me again about two or three years ago. She has been very supportive of our family since mom was diagnosed, always sending out email updates to our classmates and sending me encouraging emails. Please pray for Sarah and her family. I've done some very basic research on pancreatic cancer, and survival rates are only about 20% for one year and less than 5% for five years, especially when the cancer has spread and surgery is not an option (I don't know if it is for her or not). Sarah's so young, and her girls need their mother; please ask God not to let cancer take her, too. Let Sarah be one of the few that survive.

I can't leave you on this note, so I'll leave you with a traditional Irish blessing instead.

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.