a short blip

I listen to NPR all the time and one of my favorite shows is talk of the nation. Today, Neil Conan did a bit on "Who is Not at the Thanksgiving Table" this year. He read an email I sent in about mom. You can listen to it here. It's about 11 minutes into the program.

a few sparse details

I promised I'd post details on mom's visitation/funeral when I had them, but in the interest of keeping some privacy, I'll just say the visitation will be from 2-8 on Friday and the funeral will be at 11:00 on Saturday. If you'd like to know where, just call or email.

gone

Mom passed away at 8:30 tonight. I'll post details when we have them.

why is there cancer?

This morning, mom was lying in bed flat on her back and said she wanted to get up. I started raising her head and she grabbed the control from me and sat up as straight as she could, but kept holding down the button even after the head of her bed was up all the way. I took it back and put the bed back down to her regular position, telling her, "This is how you usually sit, mom. You'll probably be more comfortable like this."

She looked at me and said, "I want to get out of bed."

Immediately, I thought of a dream I had a few months ago. Mom was in the living room sitting in her blue glider and she was fine. Ryan had the same dream a few weeks after I did. Back when I had it, I had mentioned it to mom and she told me that it wouldn't happen because the cancer had eaten away so much of her spine that she didn't think it was possible for her to sit up in a chair anymore. When mom said that to me this morning, I told her, "I don't think you could, mom. You haven't been out of bed in months."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because of the cancer, mom. Remember? It's eating away at your spine and your muscles are weak since you've been laying in bed for so long. I don't think you could walk." Then I asked her if she wanted me to clean out her mouth again and she said yes. She's been doing this chewing motion almost constantly now, and I think she's chewing on her tongue. Yesterday, she kept telling us, "Get it out of my mouth!" but there wasn't anything in her mouth. I thought maybe it was a bad taste and using a swab with mouthwash would help. When I came back in with the swab, I tried to clean out her mouth but she wouldn't let me.

Instead, she looked at me and, waving her hands in the air toward me as if she were trying to hold onto me, asked, "Why is there cancer? Why do I have to have cancer?"

I've been holding it together pretty good these past few months, but I couldn't help it then. I held her hand as the tears started rolling down my cheeks and said, "I don't know, mom. You'll have to ask God that."

I don't know why there is cancer. I don't know why it's my mom that's dying of cancer, especially in a long, drawn-out battle like this. I had to leave the room because I had to tell dad; I lost it and sobbed. Dad came back in before me and was talking to mom and I heard her say, "I don't know why I love you. I don't know why you love me. I don't know why God loves me anymore." It's hard to see her not remembering, not knowing, but having to go through the reasoning again that something's wrong with me, I have cancer and I can't get up and not really knowing what's going on. When I sat back down and asked if there was anything I could do for her, mom reached out her hand, put it on my cheek, and motioned with her other arm to come closer.

"You want a hug?" I asked. "I can do that." And I leaned over my mom's bed and hugged her. When I stood up, she motioned that she wanted me to come back closer and she hugged me to her again, keeping me close for a minute or two. It was probably the last hug I'll ever have from my mom, and it was the one I'll remember the rest of my own life.

can i have my perfect family back, please?

I used to think my family was perfect. Ah, how naive I was.

Now, you need to understand something. When I speak of "family," I don't mean just my mom, dad, brothers, and sister (and now sisters-in-law and niece). I don't just mean my husband and baby on the way. I mean my mother's entire family (and we're rather large). We've always been close (and no offense to my dady's family, but we're just--not). As I said, I used to think my family was perfect simply because we all love each other fiercely. Sometimes, though, that "fiercely" is the bad part. And these past few months have been a struggle in more ways than one.

Our clan is extremely emotional and extremely outspoken (I erased the word "very" here because it just isn't enough--that should tell you something). And opinionated. Extremely, extremely opinionated. Add that mix to a long, drawn-out dying process of a mother/grandmother/sister/aunt and you've got trouble from some members of the family.

I won't name names or go into too many specifics, but the trouble mostly takes on a form of judgement from some on the subject of "spending time with your dying (mother, sister, etc.)" vs. having a life. (Don't worry, none of this judgement has fallen on me--at least, not much of it that I know of, although apparently I wasn't supposed to spend an afternoon at the renaissance festival.) According to some, it's either one or the other--no happy medium--and everyone must sacrifice every part of his/her life that isn't absolutely necessary (and even some that are) to be sitting by mom's side. (Honestly, if everyone did that, mom would probably have stopped talking a long time ago. That many people here all the time would have driven her crazy. Just limiting the visitors to relatives and her nanny family still leaves room for about sixty or so visitors.) If you're on the wrong side of that judgement, you hear about it after it's been eating away for a while at whomever's doing the judging. And it's usually an emotional, accusatory blow-out that has somehow heightened to the proportions of threatening to "tear this whole family apart." (Drama. Lots of it in our family. And--for those of you that know me--that has to mean something significant coming from me.)

Now, I'm not saying these things simply as gossip. Part of me is blowing off steam hoping I don't hurt anyone (many people involved never read this blog anyway), and part of me is doing it as yet another request for prayer. Because these judgements and accusations hurt people, and after going through some of it myself early on and then discussing it and thinking about it rationally (yes, I can do that, too) has led me to conclude that these judgements and accusations aren't justified. Maybe some of the initial emotions are justified--it would be a strong, strong person that didn't get a little wacko in a time like this--but holding onto them, nursing them, and letting them turn into something ugly and dark and then lashing out at others is not. So I'm asking for prayer that God will work in our hearts and convict those who are wrong (even if it's me), heal those who have been hurt, and then soften our hearts toward each other so that only love, compassion, and support are left. This is a huge prayer request--believe me--but it's important because the situation is wearing on even those who aren't directly involved, especially my dad. Even mom. We don't need this now.

Thanks for letting me vent. Til next time.

pregnant me (and mom, of course)

Well, Ruthann wanted it, so here it is: a picture of pregnant me. This pic was taken at Ella's birthday party on the 8th; I'm 24 weeks today, though. The week this pic was taken, my doctor told me that the baby wasn't even one pound yet. The picture doesn't do how big I am justice, because I'm really a little bigger than I look in it (and I'm pretty sure I've grown in the past eleven days). I already feel huge, so I can just imagine how big I'll be getting by the time I'm ready to deliver. I already waddle, for pete's sake! (I try really hard not to, though.)

I went to see a specialist today because I've been very uncomfortable at night, which makes it hard to sleep. For almost two months now, my right arm has been falling asleep at night, no matter which side I lay on (pregnant women aren't supposed to sleep on their backs, which is my normal sleeping position, because it cuts off oxygen to the baby). It's been getting worse as time wears on: it is actually painful for me to grip anything, especially in the mornings, and just yesterday while I was grading papers I realized that my fingers were tingling and my arm felt like it was getting numb as I was trying to write. Not normal, I realized, and not simply my arm falling asleep. I did a little preliminary web research and realized I probably have carpel tunnel, something that often flares up in pregnant women because our bodies are retaining more fluids, resulting on more pressure on the nerves. The doctor confirmed it, but said we caught it in time in my left arm to be able to reverse/prevent any damage, and in my right arm (she hopes) in time to prevent any actual muscle damage. She thinks my weakness is actually a result of the pain and not an indication of muscle damage. So she's got me wearing a splint at all times on my right arm and at nights on my left. Hopefully it will cut down on pain (already is a bit) and allow me to sleep better.

Old lady me has also had soreness in my hips, another problem keeping me from sleeping at night. They get very, very sore and I have to turn every hour or so. In the mornings I often feel like I've been climbing stairs all night. But there's actually a reason and a name for that, too: as my hips widen to get ready for baby (like I need my hips to be any wider, thank you), the muscles are stretching and fluid sacs are pressing against the muscles. It's called bursitis. But that, too, has a fairly easy fix: a few sessions of physical therapy (assuming I can get someone to cover mom so I can go, of course) and they should be able to teach me some exercises that will help me stretch those muscles and strengthen the surrounding muscles. Ah, relief! (I'm counting on it.) Maybe I will be able to sleep in the next four months. (I'm going on about about four or five hours of sleep from last night, although I tried to sleep for about ten.) So that's the update on the pregnant lady. I'm hoping pregnancy gets a little less uncomfortable and a little more fun as time wears on.

I've also got two quick updates on other news: mom slept heavily all day yesterday and even refused her pain pills at one point, and she's stopped talking to me and dad. Instead, she either just stares at us or nods or shakes her head. It had me pretty scared yesterday, but today I think it's mostly a choice she's making: she's been slightly more alert (meaning not hard to wake up) but does not seem interested in conversation. I know she can talk, because she's surprised me a couple times today by actually saying two or three words, but she chooses not to--probably because her mouth is dry from lack of hydration. She also knows what's going on most of the time, because when dad or I talk about cleaning her up she shakes her head and tries to be very adamant. I wouldn't let her refuse this afternoon since she hadn't been cleaned up since yesterday morning and desperately needed it. She was unhappy (I'm guessing) and kept her eyes closed the entire time. I had to change all of the sheets, and while I was doing so, one of her legs slipped off the bed and her foot banged into the drawer of supplies we have underneath it. She didn't even bother to warn me that she was slipping or react at all when her leg fell. I apologized two or three times and felt so bad that I almost started crying and she just laid there. I thought for a minute that she was passing out or falling asleep again because she just let me finish and start repositioning her, but when I realized I needed to change her gown, too, she held up her arms so I could take it off and put the new one on. So it was her choice not to react or respond, but it hurt my feelings a little because she wouldn't even acknowledge my apology. I think she was upset with me for insisting on cleaning her up. She'll have to get used to it, though, because it's not good to let her go that long without it.

The other "quick" update (I'm long-winded, I know): I heard from Sarah and the CT of her chest was clear. That's good! They're going ahead and trying to determine a treatment plan, and it looks like chemo. She asked for prayer, saying that God is the one that will have to heal her if she is healed. So please, keep praying, and thanks. For the prayers, the well-wishes, everything. Til next time.

not yet, anyway...and sarah

The good news: Mom's still alive. She still isn't eating, has stopped taking all meds except her pain pills, and sleeps most of the time, but she's still alive. Sometimes I wonder if that is actually "good" news, since I can't fathom having an existence like she has now, but it is good news to those who love her and are having a hard time with the idea of letting go. I still think it will be soon, but how soon is anybody's guess.

Other mom news? Instead of having the hospital bed in a seated position as she's had for months, mom barely inclines her head these days since she keeps sliding down and slumping in the bed. She doesn't have the strength to hold herself upright, and even when she tries to hold onto something (a glass of water or the control to move the bed, for example), she shakes uncontrollably. She's still cognizant, but barely speaks; she's taken to shaking or nodding her head when a response is required. Last night was my first night back after a long weekend (dad took Friday and Monday off) and she was unresponsive, for the most part. Not that she didn't know what was going on or couldn't respond--just that she didn't. Dad and I were cleaning her up and she just laid there with her eyes closed, crossing her arms when we told her we were rolling her and shaking her head when I asked her a question, but otherwise silent and still. It's this that makes me think (once again) that she could go anytime now--she's checking out mentally, and I think she's doing it on purpose. I can't blame her, either.

Mom has also "forbidden" any visitors except "relatives," which, luckily for them, includes the family she was a nanny for for several years. This is partially because she has a hard time speaking (the tumors effect her esophagus, in turn making her gag and vomit frequently, and speaking often triggers it). I think it's also because she just doesn't want people to see her this way, although she doesn't say so. It is hard seeing her like this: she's lost a lot of weight and most of her hair, and her skin is loose, dry, and wrinkly like someone much older--it reminds me of my grandparents (they were in their 80s or 90s when they died). With all that's going on, I didn't think things could get much worse. Honestly, they haven't for me personally, but I got some news the other day that made me cry instantly and has weighed on my mind since. The news requires a lot of prayer and is just heartbreaking.

The bad news: When I went over to watch mom so dad could go to church on Sunday, dad and mom passed the bad news on. My friend from high school, Sarah, was diagnosed last Tuesday with pancreatic cancer. It's in her liver and they are waiting for results to find out if it's in her lungs. Sarah is my age (34) and has a husband and three children, all girls. While she and I weren't close in high school, we were in the same little clique in junior high and she contacted me again about two or three years ago. She has been very supportive of our family since mom was diagnosed, always sending out email updates to our classmates and sending me encouraging emails. Please pray for Sarah and her family. I've done some very basic research on pancreatic cancer, and survival rates are only about 20% for one year and less than 5% for five years, especially when the cancer has spread and surgery is not an option (I don't know if it is for her or not). Sarah's so young, and her girls need their mother; please ask God not to let cancer take her, too. Let Sarah be one of the few that survive.

I can't leave you on this note, so I'll leave you with a traditional Irish blessing instead.

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

when?

I don't know how to title this, don't want to write this, don't even know what to write. But I know the five of you that read my blog regularly (funny how many people say they read it vs. actually read it) will want an update on mom, so here goes.

I think it will be soon. I'm hoping not today, since it's Ella's birthday, but I know dad's thinking soon too since he stayed home from work again today. I've been back at mom and dad's again since Saturday and she's been sleeping more than she was previously. She's been weaker, too. But yesterday she slept all day, except when the nurse's aid, the nurse, and Aunt Judy were there. She just happened to be awake at those times, or I don't think I would have been able to wake her up to interact with them. It took me five minutes to wake her up to give her the pain meds at 1:00, and then I couldn't wake her up for her other meds at 6:00. I called dad then and asked him if I could keep trying; we decided to let her sleep. She did wake up when he came home an hour later; he thinks putting his cold hands on her helped.

Between the sleeping thing and her weakness (even in her voice), I'm thinking it will be soon. But we thought that before and were wrong, so who knows. But dad's home looking for pictures of mom, I'm sure in preparation for her funeral. The picture from Olan Mills hasn't arrived yet despite their promises of a rush, although the frame came two weeks ago. He had mentioned that he was thinking about taking the second half of this week off since mom liked having him home last week, but now I don't know what he'll do. I know I'm wandering here, but I think mom thinks it will be soon, too, which could have a big impact on when it happens (I think the mental has a lot to do with it, especially after watching my grandfather hang on for hours and hours and, once he was told his oldest son tried but wouldn't be able to make it--so he could go--going within minutes). This morning she told me she's "fine, which isn't good," told me to have a nice day, and instead of saying "see you later," she told me, "Bye, babe," as I was leaving for work. I've got my phone on vibrate today and am wondering if I should expect a call or if I'm thinking this will go faster than it will. Waiting and wondering is having its toll on me, and I know on others in the family. I can't imagine what it's doing to mom.

Anyway, there's happy news on the horizon, too: a baby shower for my soon-to-be nephew next weekend (gotta RSVP; keep forgetting) and I'm feeling so much movement of my own baby that it's making me feel a little ill. It's still to weak for Al to feel yet, but the doctor said that won't happen for another three to four weeks since the baby's still too small to be that strong yet (I'm twenty-three weeks tomorrow). And as I said in my previous post, we found out last week that we're going to have another niece somewhere near the end of April. Dad will go from one to four grandchildren pretty quickly--our family is expanding rapidly!

Sounds like my students are wrapping up their work (peer review day), so I better get going, too. Happy Tuesday to everyone. If anything happens, I'll post it with the details. Thanks for keeping in touch.

happy birthday, ella!

My lovely little niece Ella Jean (and she is little, since she only weighs 18 pounds--my puppy is already that big!) turns one today. Maybe I'm biased, but she is one of the most adorable little girls alive. She was so happy at her birthday party on Saturday, running and playing and totally into opening her presents, but not so much into getting messy eating her cake (she got over that quickly, though). Dad, Beth, Jamie, Trent, Lilah, and I were our family's representatives at her birthday party. Then there were Rachel's family (along with the numerous children her cousin has--six or something like that) and a few of their family friends. It was a wonderful gathering in honor of a wonderful little girl.

Ella worked at opening her own presents and paid sufficient attention to all of them: the thousands of weebles and their various villages/farms/circuses/etc., the hand puppets with their own stage, etc. She paid attention to one card (mine!) that said "Peek a boo!" and especially loved three gifts (including ours!): a dancing, talking Elmo (from her Aunt Heather), a little princess "car" that she can ride or push and that plays music (from me and Al), and a slide (from dad). Oh, she loved that slide once Ryan had her sliding down it. She got mad that the other kids kept going down it since she wanted to do it over and over again. She even tried climbing up it (she had Ryan's help, of course) and will love having it in their basement along with the little playhouse she got (from Grampa Steve and Grandma Laura, I think).

When it came time for her own little personal cake, Ella stared at the candle, watched Ryan blow it out, watched them relight it, and then--instead of trying to blow it out--tried to grab it. Mom (Rachel) was fast, though, and had it out of her reach before she got to it. Then Ella daintily started nibbling on the cake. I hear she's a lot like I was when I was a kid, not liking to get dirty, and she demonstrated that Saturday by barely touching the cake at first. But Ella loves food, and she really loves things like cake and chocolate. Once her mom smushed her hand right into the cake and got her a big hunk of it, she must have decided the mess was worth the taste and dug right in. Still, she didn't get as messy as those pics you see of kids with frosting in their hair and all over the walls; just a little around her mouth, on her bib, and on her hand. I'll post pics later (once again, I'm posting at school instead of at home and don't have my camera with me).

Anyway. Today is Ella's actual birthday, so I'll say "Happy Birthday" once more. Next year, little girl, you'll have two cousins (one boy, one unknown) and a little sister to help you celebrate. Enjoy the solitude while you can!

respite

I don't have an update on my mother this week, and for one simple reason: I haven't really seen her enough to be able to give a detailed update. Dad took the week off of work to spend some time with mom and to get some things done around the house, which meant that I got the week off of hospice duty to spend some time at home. It started last Saturday, ends this Saturday, and has passed way too quickly. It has been wonderful and bittersweet at the same time, because I feel like a visitor in my own home. I never really got the chance to settle into married life with my husband and am eager for the home again/gone again patterns to end; if I'm honest, I have to admit that I don't want to go back to mom and dad's. I just want to live at home, be able to finish my degree and find a job (my officemate and the other faculty here are interviewing for my "dream" job, and I couldn't even apply because of all that is going on), and have a normal life, however that can be defined. But I will go back to mom and dad's and I will take care of mom because I love them/her and no one else can do it--timewise, moneywise, etc. I'll be there as long as it takes or until I have the baby, whichever comes first. Perhaps after that I'll be able to start a "normal" life.

Ah, but my respite: I was able to go to the Halloween party Saturday night, but by the time it came around I was so stressed out that I was crying and dreading going only half an hour before we left. But once we arrived, I enjoyed myself immensely; just being around my friends again and being able to talk about the baby and relax had me feeling, well, relaxed. And sleepy by the time we left. I'll have to post a pic of our costumes later. Al and I were Raggedy Andy and Raggedy Ann, and while he was dreading the prospect, I suspect he ended up enjoying it. Rather than being made fun of, as he thought, people thought his wig was cool (and I made it, and it kept him warm as a plus). Sunday we went to church and breakfast, and then while I made a shopping list and went grocery shopping, Al slept the afternoon away in front of the football games (he thinks he watches, but doesn't see very much). Monday we went to the doctor and Al got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time; the doc said all looks normal and my blood tests for Down Syndrome and the like all came back negative. We visited mom Monday night and mom and dad both fell asleep on us. I worked Tuesday and graded papers yesterday while Al worked on his car. Yesterday afternoon we took the puppy to the park and she loved it. And today, well, I'm back at work. Tomorrow Mya has her last shots and I need to do some shopping and work on my reading list (back to trying to get something done, at least, so I can take my exams in February), and Saturday is Ella's birthday party--and I'm back at mom and dad's. Sigh. It's going by way too fast, like I said.

Two big run-on paragraphs later and I need to head on down to class. It will be simple today since they have a workshop, but I'm eager for the next hour and a half to be over since I just want to go home and make it feel like my home rather than my husband's house that I'm moving into. And sleep. I was up grading at 2:00 am and didn't sleep well the night before. That's the life of a college instructor!