a long, wordy update

I should be grading. I should be recording attendance. I should be doing lesson plans. But I'm not. Instead, I'm taking a moment to interrupt my life (although, really, it's been "interrupted" by things out of the ordinary for several months now, and some would argue several years, since I took the unconventional move away from my boyfriend-fiance-husband to pursue a PhD) to write another update. An update about mom, me, the family, goings-on, you know. Read on if you're interested.

Mom
There's no easy way to say this; mom's been slipping again. Since Saturday, she's been hallucinating. At first, she'd just say a few things to Beth that didn't make sense. Then she started talking when no one was in the room; as soon as I'd pop my head in and say, "What?", she'd shake her head and say, "Sorry. I'm just getting confused." Then she started holding conversations during the night instead of sleeping; every time I'd wake up, I'd peek in on her and she'd be talking. Very quietly, but talking. She's aware that she's doing it, but says that to her the "conversations" she's having seem real and make sense (until we ask her about them or just walk into the room and interrupt her). Last night, she started seeing things (or maybe she has been all along and just hasn't said anything). She thought there was a basket of stuff on her bed that she wanted dad to move before she went to sleep; when we asked her "what stuff" she wanted moved, she realized that it wasn't really there.

The good news, if there is good news about this phase of mom's illness, is that she's done this before and been worse (from what I understand; it was the week that I was sick and couldn't see her while she was in the hospital, but she scared everyone that week and it eventually led to her being "kicked" out of the hospital and put into hospice care). At that point the doctors thought she had a maximum of two weeks. It was about seven or eight weeks ago. And after about a week of these hallucinations, she stopped seeing things and holding conversations that we weren't a part of and has been fine (in a sense) since. So this could go away. But usually something like this is in response to changes in medication, and while the doctors have taken her off of some meds, she hasn't had anything that would have this type of effect added to her med list. She has been taking more of her "emergency" medication lately--Roxinal, which is a form of fast-acting morphine--but not enough (or regularly enough) to make the hallucinations last this long. So we (the family) really don't know what to think of them. I don't like them because it bothers mom to know she's having them.

Mom did have a good day yesterday, and I got a "bonus" day off (non-working day away from mom and dad's house) and another night at home because dad took Monday off work--to rest and spend time with her. Mom told him that she really enjoyed having him there all day; when he's off on the weekends, he usually has to run errands, go grocery shopping, go to church, etc. Because she enjoyed it so much, he's thinking of taking next week off if it won't burden anyone at work. He has FMLA time that he can take, and even though he won't get paid for it, he can afford it thanks to the benefit. I think it would be good for both of them, and even though I'd be around part of the week, it would give me a little more time off, too (I could use it). We'll see; he has to check at work to see if it's even possible.

Me
How am I? Tired, but in better spirits than I was last week. That's probably because I got to spend Sunday night at my own home with my family--my husband, my cat, and my puppy--and sleep in my own bed. I'm sleeping better, and my puppy is eating better and almost house-trained. Sena is still suspicious of Mya and hisses, bats at her, runs from her, and ignores her alternately (whichever the situation calls for). Mya either barks, growls, and lunges at Serena or runs from her and tries to hide between my legs, depending on Serena's reaction to her barking and growling. Mya seems to think cat food tastes better than dog food and Sena prefers any cheese or milk that Al and I may be eating or drinking. But back to me.

I'm tired simply because I'm busy, and whereas two weeks ago I felt like I would never get anything done (and I still get frustrated at not even being able to prepare and eat a meal without getting interrupted), I'm slowly starting to feel accomplished again: I've been able to tackle teaching (barely), my schooling (again, barely), the house, and the baby blanket.

For teaching, I got through class this morning with barely enough preparation (something I hate to do); I am confident that I will get my grading done in time to hand back to my 2:00 class (only three more to go). I may even get my morning class's projects graded in time to hand back on Thursday, although that's being a bit ambitious (but there are only five since they are group projects). I'll be able to plan for Thursday's classes, though, without a problem. For my own schooling, I updated my major professor on mom's status, checked into registration for next semester (got to register so I don't have to start paying student loans or re-enroll at the university), and figured out what I can enroll for and got that rolling. I even decided that I'll try to take my comprehensive exams in early February; it's a seventeen-day process that I was going to tackle early this semester, but for obvious reasons, I've been unable to do that. After exams, it will be a home stretch to the dissertation; I'll just have to write it and do my oral exams before I'm Doc Rhonda. (Of course, that will be with a newborn, but we'll worry about that when it happens; after all, I'm not working next semester or summer, and since I can't be on a job search right now, probably not next fall unless I get a gig like this again.)

I've been able to start working on my house again, too. Well, get things rolling to get work done. I'm not actually doing most of the work since we hired Ryan to finish the painting that I barely started in the kitchen/family room. It's looking good! He's probably going to finish it today, but I've got more work to negotiate with him after that. More painting: the hallway (it's so dingy since Al has never, ever painted it since he moved in ten-plus years ago) and my office, which I just painted last year, but which Al is "moving into" with me since the baby's taking over his computer/rec room. He may not get his Cure or Beatles posters back up on the walls, but at least he won't have to deal with a color scheme he doesn't like (he thinks brown and blue don't go together since "warm and cool colors don't mix," and I guess the rest of the world is wrong about that color scheme). I'm going with a pale blue that should still look good and will get rid of the brown for him, and maybe even be good for the little one to move into if we end up having another (by that time, of course, we'll have had to work in the basement so I can have an office down there...). After that, Ryan and Al will talk about maybe possibly working on putting in overhead lighting together, at least in the baby's room and in the kitchen. It'll be hard to coordinate, though, since Al's working almost the entire month of November (hunting season). And although I'm not having Ryan paint the baby's room--I want to do that myself--I've been working on the quilt. In fact, it's almost done; I just need to quilt it and put on the binding. I'll post pictures when it's finished. It's not perfect, but I love it. And it will definitely not be a typical baby's room, which I'm very happy about.

(Aside: I realized I've talked much more about myself than mom. I'm not trying to be self-centered, but it's easier. I know what to say when it comes to me. I don't quite know what to say when it comes to mom besides describing her physical and mental condition.)

The Family
One thing I haven't talked about in my blogs much--but been asked about frequently--is how the family's taking everything. People ask about dad the most, and it's hard to answer. That's just because dad's being dad. He doesn't act much differently than normal; he still needs to work, go grocery shopping, and run errands; he still goes to church (although he hasn't been able to do nursery duty lately); he still makes dumb jokes that I can't help laughing at. He still grinds his coffee at 5:00 every morning. (Right outside my bedroom door, I might add.) Dad's not an overly emotional person--certainly not like most of us on my mom's side of the family--and doesn't talk about or show his emotions a lot. But I know he's been working on getting along without mom, and it hasn't been easy. Just getting the bills/paperwork in order has been frustrating for him, and he's been asking her questions about things she normally does that he'll need to take care of in the future. It's hard for him to see her losing weight, losing strength, and starting to hallucinate, since he doesn't quite know what to do for her at those times.

There was one clue that dad's taking this harder than he shows: He was a little upset, and adamant at first, when we suggested having Thanksgiving at their house as usual this year. Well, almost as usual: it's usually mine and my brothers' "off-year," the year we spend with the inlaws, but at least one of my brothers and me and Al are going to do a breakfast/brunch thing with the inlaws (normal for me and Al anyway) and then planning on spending the rest of the day with dad regardless of whether mom's still here or not. Beth wants to do the turkey and we'll spread the rest of the dishes out amongst us, but dad did not want to have Thanksgiving at the house. When Beth suggested it, he said, "Ask me in two and a half weeks," which made me think he thinks mom might not be around by then. But dad and I talked about it again a couple of days ago, and he agreed to do it at his house. For one thing, if mom is still here, we can't all go somewhere else and leave her alone; we'll just be eating off of trays instead of a table, which we're fine with. But if he changes his mind, there's always the option to do it at my house, and my brother even suggested they might be willing to do it at theirs. Wherever it ends up being, we'll be together, although eating later than normal (4:00 or 5:00 rather than 1:00 or 2:00).

My sister(s, including the in-laws) and brothers are doing everything they can, too. They each come by the house at least a couple of times a week and usually try to spend an hour or so with mom, but they make sure they spend time with dad and I, as well. We'll eat together or watch a movie together or just sit and talk and adore and play with Ella or Mya (or try to avoid Mya if she's in one of her hyper moods). We're each taking the whole thing in stride, and doing our best to support each other. I'm proud of each of them; I've had the most time with mom since I'm the oldest (years) and I'm staying at the house (end-of-life-time), but I can't imagine being younger like they are and going through this now. We're anticipating the three new young ones that will arrive in February, March, and April (both of my sisters-in-law are pregnant) but it's with a little sadness since odds are that mom won't be here. Ryan's still out of work and doing odd jobs to get by (thus the house-painting), but dad's manager agreed to interview him (that's something else you can pray for--a job for Ryan). And I can't forget about my husband; he's been the most supportive, loving husband, doing everything he can to spend time with mom and support me. He's complained a lot less than I have about not having me at home (in fact, he hasn't complained at all, but he's kind-of used to living like a bachelor!) and comes to visit me every night (unless he has hockey early, which he does tonight).

Everyone else? They're all taking it in their own way. My mom's family is being my mom's family--and I love them to death--but there's the usual high emotions (some in front of mom and us, some not), the usual judgments of each other (we're very opinionated, not afraid to express our opinions, and hold each other and ourselves to very high standards), and the usual complaining and/or bickering that results. It's not pleasant to have anyone complaining that "so-and-so should do more" and then call and tell so-and-so what they think, but we're dealing. In the end, we know that everyone loves mom and is doing what they think is best for her. And they're there for her; nearly every member of our family has come to visit as often as they can, and those that haven't live several states away. My dad's family comes to visit, too, and is as supportive of us as they can be. We're surrounded by love and concern, and that's a hundred times better than the opposite: no one visiting, no one caring, which is what the hospice workers tell us they see all too often.

Goings-On
If you've made it this far, bless you. I know I tend to be a bit wordy. :) That's about all I have for this week, other than to say I think I'll actually be able to make it to the Halloween party my friends are having this weekend. That excites me to no end; I just want to see my friends and spend a night having fun (not particularly talking about mom, although I know that will come up). I think I've covered everything else, except to say that if you've called/emailed and I haven't responded, sorry! And I'll try to get better. Oh, and I forgot to change out of my slippers and into my shoes before leaving for work today, which is painfully obvious since they don't match my outfit. But at least my feet are warm and comfy! Adieu for now...

october

crisp October
streaming sunlight
tantalizing, teasing
but its warmth does not touch me

instead
in a world of vibrant color
sounds of life surround
deceive

the colors are the last glimmer of life
fading brilliance
the sounds, the activity of the living
attempting to stave off death

crisp October
streaming sunlight
tantalizing, teasing
impregnable chill

death alies in wait

gathering at the water cooler

I'm going to take a few minutes from grading and class planning and teaching in general to share some water-cooler moments with you about our lives this past week:

• The benefit that my dad's work put on for our family raised over $7,100 last Wednesday, and even better, the company's owner agreed to match the funds, giving us a grand total of $14, 200. What an overwhelming, humbling response to my parents' needs--this was much more than they ever imagined. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who played a part, whether you donated money, items, time, or just ate spaghetti. And for those of you who couldn't participate and have been praying instead, your prayers are greatly appreciated and each one is heard. I cannot say it enough: thank you.
• Mom's appetite is smaller and she is growing thinner and weaker. She sleeps most of the day now and doesn't seem to want a lot of company. That means don't give her a chance to say no: if you want to see mom, just drop by. Any day is usually good (after all, she's not going anywhere...).
• I've been seeing a cardiologist for an accellerated heartbeat. I've been getting one quite often since I've been pregnant. I was there on Friday to get the results and tried the water from the Absopure water cooler (it was disgusting, making me think they filled the Absopure container with tap water). The good news is that I check out okay. I'll follow up with him in January just to be sure.
• I got to spend my first night at home in a month and loved it. I fell asleep in front of the fire with my husband, my cat, and my dog, and then tossed and turned half the night despite our new mattress (you have no idea how uncomfortable it is to sleep on your side 100% of the time when you're a back sleeper unless you've been pregnant). On Sunday we went to church, which I'll admit I dozed through (I blame the lack of sleep at nights) and we went to the cider mill, where I ate a doughnut, had hot cider, and got stung by a bee (and hey, guess what, I'm allergic and never used to be. Go figure. On meds now with half an arm red, swollen, itchy and burning.). We went home and watched a few episodes of How I Met Your Mother on dvd before returning to my parents' house. Just the kind of weekend I like--sans the bee sting, of course.

I think that's it, besides the fact that I just realized I blew off Danny this weekend. Oops. I was supposed to call him when I went back to my parents' on Sunday, but had a massive migraine and a bee sting and didn't feel up to company--and then promptly forgot to call him. Sorry, friend! That's it for my water cooler tales. Have a happy week.

the last anniversary?

Today is my parents' 36th wedding anniversary, and unless God grants us a miracle, it will be their last. Mom has been going downhill this past week. She eats less and less--usually just a small bowl of applesauce or jello a day--and can't keep down most of what she does eat. She has lost a lot of weight and strength; she now needs help to turn on her side (she usually lays on her back). She isn't as alert as she has been the past few weeks, but that could be due to the nausea medication she's taking. But the worst thing is seeing her lose her positive attitude.

Since she has been sick, mom has (for the most part) had a positive attitude. I wouldn't exactly call it hopeful, since she hasn't expected to recover (at least she hasn't expected that for the past couple of months). But she hasn't been angry or depressed; she's been telling those who asked that, although she doesn't understand God's choices, she believes that he is in control. Why didn't he allow the doctors to find the cancer sooner? She doesn't know, but accepts that this was his timing. Why don't the doctors know what type of cancer it is or how to treat it? She doesn't know, but God led her to these doctors at this time. She always speaks of God's goodness and wisdom, and saw it as her place to praise him and talk to others about him in the hospital (it's funny how many more times God and religion come up in a cancer ward). And since she's been home, she's been the one giving words of encouragement to others. But now, even though she hasn't turned bitter or angry or started blaming God, she's slipping, perhaps into a depression.

Several days ago, mom told me that all of this "laying around" is "getting to [her]." And no wonder; she's been bedridden for thirteen weeks as of today. Dad had a hard time talking with her last night, because she kept staring off into space and letting her mind wander. Like I said, it could be contributed to the medication in part, but she's been taking the newest med for at least a week and was not as unresponsive as she is now. Today we had a Comfort Keeper in since Dad, Beth, and I all had to work and Aunt Janet was taking care of her grandchildren. Sue said that she dozed or slept most of the day. Mom's friend Cathy wanted to come visit and mom told her not to come. Thankfully, Cathy called back and said she really wanted to come and mom gave in. Mom said she had a good visit and is glad she let Cathy come, but she also said she's tired of having visitors because she's out of things to say. It's hard to see her this way--basically giving up--but I can understand it, too. I wouldn't want to lay in bed all day long for months on end. When I did have a dream that mom was up and about the house, sitting in the living room chair, I told her about it trying to get her hopes back up. She said she didn't think it would ever be possible again because her spine is literally disappearing, being eaten away by the cancer. Like I said, it would take a miracle.

Yesterday, dad asked me and my brother for our opinions. He was trying to choose between two different pictures of my mom taken by Olan Mills for their church directory in the past year. He said he wanted to order an 11x14, and I didn't understand why he wanted such a big portrait of mom. Then he told me: he's thinking of having a closed casket at her funeral. I think it's because she's losing all of her hair from the few chemo treatments that she did have, and she's very self-conscious about it, trying to preserve what's left. She doesn't really look like herself anymore, either, since her cheeks are already sunken and the skin has grown tighter. He decided on a framed, matted 8x10 instead, and called to order it today. His one concern, he had told me, was getting it here in time--he was afraid it might take more than one or two weeks, and afraid that might be too long. When he ordered it, he asked that they put a rush on it since they said it usually takes three to four weeks. He explained why he needed it and a few minutes later the studio called back. When the supervisor heard dad's story, he requested a seven-day rush and waived all fees (it would have been $95 total). That's such a blessing for my family at this time. Dad was so grateful that he told mom and me as soon as he had a chance after arriving home.

And there's another blessing to report: while we don't have any figures, dad's work said that they have received more than they ever expected to receive for the benefit that they're putting on for the family tomorrow night--not only in monetary donations, but in raffle donations, as well. Among the items they're raffling off at the spaghetti dinner are an autographed jersey from Chris Chelios, Red Wing tickets, and Pistons tickets (1 for $1, 6 for $5). Of course, there are smaller donations for the raffle, as well. I won't be able to go since I'm taking care of mom, but I'm sending raffle money (hey, I love the Red Wings) and don't mind passing on the spaghetti (never really liked it). But the things people can win aren't what really matter; what matters is that people are pouring out their love and support and helping my mom and dad in a time of need, and we can't be thankful enough. Thanks to everyone who has played a part in this. I'll close with a snippet from a song by Michael Card, a christian artist that has blessed me through his music. This song, especially, has stuck with me through the years, because of its simple tune, words, and the story behind the song (you can listen to part of it, too). It's called Barocha and my favorite part is my prayer for you:

The Lord bless you and keep you
The Lord make his face shine upon you
And give you peace
And give you peace
And give you peace forever

...inspired by teddy

I have a teddy bear that is 27 years old--older than my youngest brother. So I've been looking for a teddy bear for my baby--one that will be special to him/her (I hope) and different from the average bear. I thought I found one a few weeks ago, but yesterday I ran across this teddy and fell in love. And this teddy is more than just a bear; it will be the inspiration (finally) for decor in the baby's room. I'm not a pastel-type person, nor am I one for scream-out-loud bright colors. So baby's room will be a mixture of grays and tans, accented with soft greens and pale yellows. (We won't know what we're getting til the kid comes out, so it's got to be gender neutral.) We'll be putting in a wood floor (finally getting rid of that shag carpet that's probably original to the house) and I'm partial to the dark wood furniture, but we'll have to see what we find when we shop. I shopped for baby quilt fabric yesterday and started cutting it today, so I'll be posting pics of that once I've got it going. Oh, and I'll have Al put overhead lighting into the room so we don't have to use lamps (doesn't seem particularly safe in a baby/toddler room). Finally--a plan! Now if I could just find the time to put it into place...

meet myarrow

It's funny how the little things usually provide us the most joy in life. The little one that's causing me joy now is Myarrow--a 6.13 pound, six week old rottweiler that chose me as her new mommy Friday evening. I couldn't believe how tiny she was when I met her, and it's hard to believe that this calm little girl that I carry around in my arms (and my cat's carrier) will be 60+ pounds in a few months. But that's okay; I think dogs should be bigger than my cat. Right now Mya's about a third of Serena's size.

Al and I brought her "home" to Grandma and Papa's house Friday evening, and by Saturday Myarrow was romping in the yard chasing Beth's dog, Presley, and ignoring Ella, who was doing her best to run around chasing the dogs (Ella's walking already--not even eleven months!). Yesterday, she played with me outside for forty-five minutes and started moping when I brought her in. She loves to be outside. She slept most of the afternoon, and yesterday evening Al and I brought her to her real home to meet Serena. Of course, Sena hissed at her and kept watching her from afar (suspicious as she is of all other animals), but when Mya just kept sleeping, Sena even dared to go up close enough to sniff her butt. Mya jumped, scooted six inches away, and went back to sleep. Sena seemed to decide she could handle this, and although I don't expect them to be friends, I'm sure they'll be civil. Serena will be in charge, of course.

The one thing: Myarrow's not eating very well (only a few bites yesterday, and none so far today). I'll be trying to coax her into eating by hand-feeding her in a few minutes. (Not unusual for a dog whose entire environment changed so recently, but new mommy worries prevail). Mya's a very calm dog for the most part; I've only heard her bark once, and she cries a little when she can't follow me around, but she's already sleeping without complaint (or accidents, since Friday night) in her crate. I'm already in love. It might take Al another twenty-four hours, but he'll get his chance: he's taking her from me and Grandma and Papa's tonight and keeping her overnight and while I work tomorrow. I'm hoping she perks up so she can explore a little more around the house, try her hand at sniffing Serena's butt, and play with Al in the yard.

And now the mom update. She's down to only eating breakfast (applesauce or cereal) and, on lucky days, a small snack in the afternoon (jello or applesauce). She usually doesn't keep it down. She has a gagging reflex when we even mention taking pills, and half the time it ends up in bile. (No wonder; she takes 16 pills a day.) She's still alert during the day and has several visitors, but she can't move her hips on her own (she thinks it's due in part to her degenerating spine) and needs assistance even to shift herself in the bed. She slept longer last night than usual. She worries because I don't really get much work done here in between taking care of her, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, and (some nights) cooking dinner for me, Al, and dad. She's trying to keep her spirits up, and I don't know how she can have such a good attitude. I'd be feeling so sorry for myself, but she just takes it one day at a time.

As for me? I miss being in my own house with my husband and my cat. I wonder when I'll ever be able to spend the night at home again. I'm wonder if/when I'll have time to finish the paint job I started in our family room/kitchen/dining room or if I'll be able to decorate the baby's room (or even register for baby stuff). I wonder if I will be able to go to my niece's first birthday party or my sister-in-law's baby shower. I wonder if I'll be able to decorate my house for Christmas this year (or enjoy the decorations if I can). I'm slowly growing desperate for some time with friends (I won't even be able to make the annual Halloween party that I've missed for three years because I was in Iowa--bitter disappointment). I don't know when I'll be able to take my exams or finish my dissertation or go on the job market or graduate. But I try to remind myself of the reason I'm doing this--for my mom and my dad--and try to remember what will have happened if/when I could/can do all of that stuff: the most likely scenario is that mom wouldn't/won't be here anymore. And I can't wish for that, either.

Thanks again for the support and love, everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch; life's been a little crazy. Please, feel free to call; the worst that can happen is that it might go to voice mail and I won't have a chance to call you back. If you email me telling me to call, don't count on a call--sorry, but I tend not to think of those things until 11:00 or 12:00 at night. Love you, miss you, keep us in your prayers. Thanks.