racking up the nerves

I'm officially 33 weeks now (I'll try to post pics later this weekend) and am starting to rack up a major case of nerves about giving birth and being a mom--and being ready for it all.

I've been spending my week cracking the books again, trying to get back into the habit of studying while I still have time to do so. Well, I shouldn't imply that that's all I've been doing. I've been reading and writing about one article per day, which adds up to about two to three hours of studying a day. Soon, I've got to add in working on my reading list and comprehensive exam questions, so that'll take more time (and more concentration). Besides that, I've been spending too much time on Facebook (hey, it passes the time), sorting through and laundering baby gifts, writing thank-you cards, and beginning to really, really anticipate being a mom in seven short weeks (give or take). And getting really, really nervous about the entire thing.

What am I nervous about? One, being ready. Al's been able to work overtime this week, which is good for our finances but not so good for the hardwood floor that's not being put in the baby's room. Tomorrow's out since we have a birthing class all day, but Shemp may be able to come over and help him get started on the floor Sunday (that is, if it's okay with Laura and she's not working). Then it's back to work for him Monday through Wednesday, possibly more if they offer him overtime again. But the longer it takes him to finish (or even start) the floor the more anxious I get. Our house is a mess since we have baby stuff all over the living room and dining room, and I can't put anything away until he gets that done. One thing I hate is having a messy house with things lying around everywhere, and it seems like our house is always that way--I don't remember a time when everything was put away. There's not room for it all since I moved my stuff in. Add one more person's stuff in the house and, well, you've got the picture.

Even more than that, I'm nervous about being prepared to go to the hospital. What do I pack in the diaper bag? What do I pack for myself? I've been looking around on the internet and realized I need to do some shopping for myself (great, more money Al will worry about spending), so when do I do that? Where? Do I have to do it by myself? I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I don't even know how long to pack for. How long will we be in the hospital? How many sets of clothes do I need for the kid? Blankets? Hats? I've only got two hats, one nice that goes with the outfit to bring him/her home in, and one for a six-month old. Won't the kid need a hat for while we're in the hospital? Can we use a cell phone to call everyone, or will we have to pay to use the hospital phone? Who will take care of our dog while we're there? Neither my sister nor my dad would commit to that since they both work long hours (10 and 12 hour shifts). So will Al just have to come home to be with the dog instead of having to be with me? Will I end up alone in the hospital? It's not like I can call my mom and ask her to come stay with me.

(This is always my thought process, by the way. It drives Al crazy because he says I just go from one thing to another. But they're all related and this is how I think. I really do have all of these questions, and not knowing the answers to them makes me start worrying. It doesn't help that the past two nights of trying to sleep have been miserable--the pain is back again in my hips/legs and the baby doesn't like it anymore when I try to sleep on my left side--it kicks and squirms and hurts me until I move again.)

I'm nervous about getting to the hospital (knowing Al, he'll be at a hockey game or drinking after hockey when I need to go in, or he won't be wearing/listening for his cell phone at work and will be impossible to reach. I might have to call Will or Rick and tell them to track down my husband for me!) and being at home alone with the baby after Al goes back to work. How long will Al take off work to be with us? Probably not long, because he'll be worried about money (he always is, no matter how well we're doing). And then I'll have to take care of the baby, the dog, the cat, the house, and the cooking all by myself--oh, yeah, and try to study while I'm at it. Will I be any good at it? I want so, so much to be a good mom. And I'm so, so afraid that I'll fail my child. I wish my mom was still around to give me advice and help me. She was a nanny for the past eight years (sans the time she spent in the hospital and in hospice) and everything about child-raising was fresh to her--it's not like it was twenty-some years since she'd taken care of an infant.

I'm crying now (sorry, can't help it) and although writing usually helps release some of my nerves/tension, it's just building up. Sorry for spilling this all on you. Thanks for reading this nerve-wracked mom-to-be's blog.