whew

I am too sensitive, I guess. My committee chair told me that the comments I received were mild compared to comments most students receive. It's still a bit upsetting, though, since it means I probably won't be taking my exams this summer. I'll probably have to wait until the fall semester.

denied

My reading list got denied by the exams committee. I've got to make a ton of revisions, and I need to do it before I can take my comprehensive exams and go ABD (all but dissertation). I feel a little blind-sided because I feel like my dissertation committee could have warned me if they didn't think it was good enough--could have asked me to make changes before it got to the exams committee. The exams committee wants me to add information on areas I know nothing about, which isn't going to help when I get to my exams and have to answer questions about them.

All over again, I'm feeling like I'm just not good enough to do this. I thought I was over that.

missing you

God has blessed me with many good friends throughout my life. I have had, and still have, the honor of calling many special people my "best friends," and I love each and every one of them dearly. But for one reason or another (some unknown even to me), a few of these friends have walked out of my life. Some of these losses I have come to accept, and I can think back with joy, fondness, and gratefulness on the times we did have together. Some losses are still fresh and painful, making even the good times seem tainted. All of these losses make the song Picture by Our Lady Peace belong on my life's soundtrack. So here it is, dedicated to you, my losses. You know who you are, and I pray that someday you'll choose to walk back into my life. I miss you.

Waiting by the telephone
Breathing through a giant rubber hose
God only knows
Photographs of you and me
Pictures of the friends you used to know
Where did they go?

Don't take my picture down
Don't erase everything that we had
Don't think I let you down
And I might be gone, we'll meet again
Can't find you, so I'll call your name

Riding on this satellite
Sun faded and sweaty, but that's alright
Cause I'm still alive
Always stranded in this memory
Your mouth is wide open
You can't scream
Oh you can't scream

And don't take my picture down
And don't erase everything that we had
Don't think I let you down
And I might be gone, we'll meet again
Can't find you, so I'll call your name

Please pick up the phone
Please pick up the phone
Please pick up the phone
Please pick up the phone
Wanted you to know
I wanted you to know
I wanted you to know
I wanted you to know ...

And don't take my picture down
And don't erase everything that we had
Don't think I let you down
And I might be gone, we'll meet again

breakfast of champions

When spring and summer roll around, one of my favorite breakfasts is white grapefruit. No sugar on top; just plain old grapefruit, and when I'm done eating the fruit, I squeeze all of the juice out and drink it up. The bummer is that the main grocery store in town doesn't carry white grapefruit. A friend of mine had to ask what it was. This morning, I had to settle for a type of grapefruit that was new to me, and I was hoping it would not be of the red/pink variety. It was, and was a bit too sweet for my taste, but still pretty good. But hey--only three more weeks until I can go back to Michigan and buy all of the white grapefruit I want!

preserving family history: a wiki

So I'm trying something new. I'm part of a wonderful extended family and stories are part of my family heritage. I'd like to preserve these stories for my family and my kids, so I started a wiki. I'm just hoping some of my family members join me in this venture; if not, it will never work.

What's a wiki? Well, it's a simple web page that people can edit with their browsers online. And they can work collaboratively, editing each others' stories. I use them in my classes, and with a simple WYSIWIG interface ("what you see is what you get," meaning you type and save, and the web page appears pretty much like what you typed), it should be fairly simple for my family members to take part. I've invited several of them to join the wiki (the ones I had current email addresses for) so I'll just wait to see if they join and start writing. I can always hope!

spring is in the air

I think I inherited my grandmother's green thumb. I'm not up to her level yet; she had quite a knack for gardening--vegetables and flowers, and even cannabis for a while, albeit unknowingly (she thought the leaves were pretty). But on this beautiful spring day when the sun is shining and the temperatures are supposed to reach 67 degrees, I can't help but itch to get home to Michigan and start doing yard work, cultivating my flowers and thinking of new ways to coax the beauty out of nature. Eventually, I'd love to have an oasis in our backyard, and although we've been hunting around for the perfect landscape design for a while, I finally found it a few weeks ago--in the center court of a mall.

That's right, a mall. A local landscaping company had set up a model of a brick patio and landscaping scheme for a yard. I happened to have my camera in my purse, so I took some pics. My husband thought it was "very cool" (a bit of an understatement and a disappointment to me), but I think we'll attempt to do this or something like it--someday, perhaps a little at a time, perhaps by ourselves, perhaps by hire--in our backyard. In my dream world, I'd be at home with no concerns about money or studies and working away at a master plan, a landscaping consultant on hand to help me choose the right plants and look for our property. My dream world will probably have to wait, but in the meantime, I can show you the general idea (sans the mall, of course). And green thumb, you only have a few more weeks to wait before you can start spending at least a portion of your days in the sun!

friends & jobs

There's news on the friend/job front, both good and bad (both could use a little prayer if you're so inclined).

The friends: Danny and Marlon
The news: Marlon got let go from his job for cutbacks. But wait, that's not the news. He heard about a fantastic job opportunity, went on an interview, and got the job on a contract basis, which means he'll be working for them for three to six months and if it's working, he's got the job full-time. They want him to start Monday. Here's the catch: The job's in Seattle, WA. He flies out Sunday, and Danny will stay behind in Michigan until September/October, when they'll know for sure whether or not the job will work out. That would be great, but one of my bestest friends would be all the way across the country! (Can you say visits?)

The friends: Masha, Chad, and Nina
The news: Masha's my office mate and has been for three years. She got offered a lecturer position at Cornell, and she really wants it even though it's not tenure-track or a professorship. But two weeks ago she got news that her immigration had been denied (she's from Russia, as is her daughter, Nina). They're going different routes trying to figure out what to do, because she got married in October 2006 to an American who doesn't speak a lick of Russian. Guess what? Our country doesn't care anymore. Chad and Masha tried to prove it would be an extreme hardship on him to move to Russia, but they got a three-page reply stating that it was his choice whether to go or not. I guess "family values"--especially when it comes to keeping families together--are not worth much to our government these days.

As for me, I'm not looking for a job or looking to move anywhere but back home (I'll finally be living with my husband soon!). I'm preparing for my comprehensive exam, which I'll take this summer; gathering data for my dissertation; and trying to keep up on grading and homework. Not much free time, and those days I've forced myself to take off this semester seem like they may be nonexistent these next few weeks. We'll see!

Oh, yeah, and I'm going to be a bridesmaid (matron, I guess--that word seems so old though) in Stephanie's wedding in September. Fun, fun, fun!

death & taxes

Ironic, a little. This post really is about death and taxes. To keep my mind off of death, I decided to write about...taxes.

I'll get the death part out of the way first. My uncle died Friday morning. It was expected, and almost (I hate to say it) a relief. He was in hospice care (at home) and unresponsive, and I spent all week waiting for the phone call. I finally got it, and couldn't do anything but keep on working. I had to get as much as possible done so I could come home for the funeral.

As I was making a pot of coffee this morning, I remembered how I got my little four-cup coffee maker and when I first used it (and learned how to make coffee). That was at Grandpa's house the day he was dying. It was my job to make coffee for everyone, and since several of us were there, I made quite a few pots. I started drinking coffee that day, too. I'm getting closer to the have-to-have-my-coffee-everyday type of person, but I still need it the most when I need to be comforted. I don't remember what day that was; was it in April, too? It was about ten years ago, but it makes me sad that I can't remember. I did remember something else while I was pondering that, though--today is the third anniversary of Sadie's death. And I didn't bring her to Michigan with me. As morbid as it sounds, keeping her ashes near me has helped, especially on this day. It hurts that she's 610 miles away right now.

Here I meant to write about taxes (to keep my mind off death, remember) and I'm almost in tears. Well, here comes the taxes part, and believe me, it's a doosey. (Did I spell that right?)

I've never been married before, so this year was my first experience of Filing Taxes Jointly. We had a guy do it for us (a first for me, too, since I've always done my own) and it went smoothly. Imagine my surprise when, lo and behold, Al tells me he received my state tax refund. Made out to him. Since we live in separate states, I had assumed they'd send it to me as usual--after all, I had done the work, gotten paid the measly sum I get for one of the hardest jobs on earth (teaching), and so--I assumed--I'd be getting the refund, which I desperately needed. Not that Al won't just give me the money if I need it; I just hate asking for it. I like thinking that I can take care of myself, even if it does mean that the government helps me to get neck-deep in debt before I graduate. Al, on the other hand, is the perfect man as usual, and very careful to talk about our finances and the money that we make, not differentiating between my measly salary and his (compared to mine) substantial one.

Anyway. I was outraged, offended, etc. that the government would send my money to a man just because I had married him. And I couldn't keep my disbelief/contempt/anger hidden from my husband. And I surprised myself because I by no means consider myself a feminist and, like I said, I knew Al would just hand it over if I told him I needed it. But I kept harping on it. I couldn't let it go. I told him--only half jokingly--that next year we're filing with my name first so that the tax refunds would come back in my name. I finally got myself under control, even told him to go ahead and cash it if he wanted to (pointing out that I'd need money for my last month's rent soon anyway, since I only get paid half of my usual salary in May), said good night and hung up the phone. I managed to put it behind me and go to sleep.

I saw the check when I arrived in Michigan last night. It's made out to both of us. His name first, and our Michigan address (although the tax guy knew I still kept an out-of-state apartment), but my name is on it. Which means I have to sign it in order for it to be cashed, which means all of the tax checks will probably come back that way. My husband just forgot to tell me that little detail, which makes a tremendous difference.

Still, though, we may be filing with my name first next year...just for the heck of it.